JOKES,VIDEOS, U TUBE, POEMS, & ONLINE GAMES [links only please]

[Spyder88]

Congratulations! You are the lucky owner of the Model ZVZ156 Vangplotz High Digenation Wide-Scringe Framulator, Series 7000, with fernillated quick response Worzel and 20,000 zurlebytes of the scringe-view quorms. Follow these simple instructions and soon you will enjoy untold hours of pleasure.

IMPORTANT: Begin by lifting out the plune-wrapped section marked “Lithinode Distrillitor” and refer to the blue-colored pictochit-regulator intensity chart on the side. If the chart has the fuchsia-colored code BRZ3434, your unit requires an AC4(x2x3) model.

If the intensity chart is colored burnt orange instead of blue, then call your local Vangplotz “Speedy Geek” home service provider at 1-800-UONHOLD.

(WARNING: If the intensity chart is colored silver with pink stripes, then your distrillitor must be activated in person by a Vangplotz lithinode technician with 48 to 72 hours. Vangplotz service centers are conveniently located in the Yellow Dog, AL industrial campus and the six-story Grendel Mall-City in Frozen Badger, ND)

Next, lift out the tray marked “Tools” and check the inclusions against the following list:

One 7¾ inch extenulator
Two packages of ¾ inch fribbets
Four packages of 1½ inch fribbets
One six-jointed revolving spangle
One Spurgle-head grommel
Six fandles
One swigel-headed flonge
One multi-pronged grallup
One soft-COR elasticized squiller

Unpack the main components: Scringe, MO-DOR, qualblanz scrambler, disk-o-later insertion whindler, zagenator, gridger board, Wooflang biceptor, varnicle inhibitor, Worzel.

Remove plune-wrappings from the scringe. Using the 7¾ inch extenulator, calibrate the number of inches spanning the scringe-gripper aperture on the MO-DOR scrambler. The ZVZ156 scringe must have a 14 inch aperture to successfully interflex with the MO-DOR picrochits. If the aperture exceeds 14 inches, insert and turn the soft-COR elasticized squiller. Upon completion proceed to:

STEP 1:

First, insert the lithinode distrillitor pack into the scringe under the panel marked Varnicle Reflexelator Chamber. A flinged graffler at the bottom of the chamber will connect the distrillitor to the varnicle.

Next, lower the scringe into the MO-DOR scringe-gripper aperture using the swingel-headed flonge to secure it onto the varnicle nodes, which conduct 20 zilihurtz magnifers to the varnicles. Use the multipronged grallup to secure the pink wooplers to the orange varnicle nodes and the four triple-pronged green wires to the varnicle inhibitor.

WARNING: Even one woopler-varnicle node misconnection will cause zurls to disrupt the scringe-view quorms once the famulator is plugged in.

STEP 2:

On the gridger board, align the zagenator, whindler and biceptor units 2.725 inches apart, calibrating the distance with the extenulator. Place the gridger board on top of the units and secure with 1 ½ inch fribbets using the revolving spangler. Stabilize the units by installing fandles using 1 ½ inch fribbets. Go carefully; this is a narrow space. Attach the Spugell-head grommel onto the wrochle prong of the multi-pronged grillup and position it directly over a fribbet.

Next, extend the revolving spangler to the fourth joint, attach the bludger head and release the sping-grip. With your left hand, carefully lower the spangler and clamp the spinnrip around the grommel handle while turning the spangler speed valve to “rapid” with your right, and pressing the oscillator button with your other hand.

THIS CONCLUDES PART 1


:santa:

[lost indie]

:santa:

http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~zeigleem/potatoes.htm

[Spyder88]

This is a good video for everyone, particularly women.


http://video.sheriff.org/psa_cartheft.shtml

[lost indie]

poor guy..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPFQ4...eature=related

[Manderley]

Here's my all time favorite YouTube:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMbww-nCVQg

[Caje]

I remember the first time I heard about the church of scientology. All the 90’s tabloid shows were reporting about a woman named Lisa McPherson. She had apparently died while under the care of scientology church members.

http://www.lisamcpherson.org/

Sometime later I read an article about the church’s practice of auditing new members.

The only other organization I know of that “audits” you so thoroughly is the IRS.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auditing_(Scientology)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKQEQ7qHvgM

[Spyder88]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.


The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

:candy:

"Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, "I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing?"

I still don't know if she was joking."

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.


Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one. '

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says
to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science
has finally figured out a way to create life out of
nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did
in the 'beginning.'"

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt
and form it into the likeness of you and breathe
life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and
starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

"Get your own dirt."

[ExArkie]

I LOVE Les Miserables (the book, the movie and the stage musical). Here is a clip from the movie which was NOT a musical; but, using the music from the play as background. Love it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgQgzKVX9jc

[Scully]

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER


I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.




Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.




I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.




I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.






I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.




I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.




I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.




Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.




Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.




I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.




I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.




I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.




And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. disfiguring me for life.




I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.




I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.




I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.




I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.




I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .




I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.




I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.




Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.




Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney and Maxine has given us. I can live a better life now because they've told us how to fix everything..




And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.




If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.


I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour¢s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.




A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late......




Have a wonderful day!

[Ladyhawk]

One day Lizard is walking in the jungle and he sees smoke drifting around the trees ahead of him. As he gets closer to the trees he stops, looks up and sees Monkey sitting in a tree smoking a joint. Lizard says to Monkey, “Hey Monkey, what’re you doing?” Monkey replies “Smokin’ a joint, come up and have some, it’s really good stuff.”
So Lizard climbs up and sits next to Monkey and they smoke a few joints. They’re laughing and carrying on and after a while Lizard’s mouth gets very dry and he is very thirsty and he tells Monkey he’s going to the river for a drink.
Lizard climbs down and heads for the river and when he gets there he is so stoned that he leans over way too far and falls in. Now being very stoned, Lizard forgets he can swim and immediately freaks out believing he is going to drown and begins to frantically splash the water with his tail (to what good he’s not sure). On the opposite bank, Crocodile hears the commotion in the water and thinking the noise could mean a snack, looks up and sees the freaked out Lizard splashing hopelessly around. So, Crocodile swims over, helps Lizard to the riverbank and then asks Lizard, “What is the matter with you?”
Lizard explains to Crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with Monkey smoking pot and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
Crocodile says he must check this out and wanders into the jungle in search of Monkey. He finds the tree and there is Monkey, sitting on a branch, just finishing up a joint. He yells up to Monkey, “Hey Monkey!..wh..” but before he can finish his sentence, Monkey looks down, almost falling from the branch and says, "Daaaammmmnnnn........How much water did you drink?!"

[susied]

all of the above very funny

A couple who were in their nineties were getting a divorce and things were a little contentious. At one point the judge, exasperated, looked across the bench and said "I just don't understand this. You two have been married over seventy years, frankly you can't have too much time left. Why on earth are you putting yourselves through this?" The woman looked at him and said "We wanted to wait until the children were dead."

[Pretty Leaf]

A doctor in Ireland wanted to take off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

"George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers George.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, George, how was your day?"

George told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

 "Bravo, Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says George.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table.
She spreads her legs and shouts:
"HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"Tunderin' Lard Jayzus, George, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[n/t]

A man has 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in his right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. My wife
was supposed to come here with me, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

[Ladyhawk]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

[Scully]

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.



Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there

[Sara6000]

^ :santa: ^



A drag queen walked into a Catholic church as the priest was walking down the aisle, swinging the incense pot.

He said to the priest, "Oh, honey, I just love your dress, but do you know that your handbag is on fire?"

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don't know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.

"I don't know."

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and clever. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions. Enjoy!

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it! .

Q: True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet

Q: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A: Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

[happy2bme]

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea
to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.

THURSDAY :

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :

I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little s***) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[Grins]

Alimentary Education

There are times
in life
when it is impolite
to question the site and
source of
warmth

[Smokey Stover]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED:

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road
and slowly the driver gets out of the car. And you know how you
just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well,
I could NOT believe it. He was a DWARF! He storms over to my car,
looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and
say,
"Well, which one ARE you, then?"

And that's when the fight started.

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

[Spyder88]

Spring has sprung.
The grass is riz...
I wonder where the birdies is.

Little birdie in the sky.
Dropping whitewash in my eye.

But I won't fret and I won't cry.
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

Here ya go, Sweetcharlotte


Early Bird

Oh, if you're a bird, be an early bird
And catch the worm for your breakfast plate.
If you're a bird, be an early early bird-
But if you're a worm, sleep late.

by Shel Silverstein

Q: What's the difference between a duck with one wing and a duck with two wings?

A: Why, that's a difference of a pinion!

Q: What do you give a sick bird?

A: Tweetment!

[Spyder88]

Q. What does a rare bird say when he's about to be thrown off a cliff?

A. It's a long way to tip a rarie.

Q: Where does a peacock go when it loses its tail?

A: A re-tail store!

Originally posted by Spyder88 [*]

:santa: Happens alot on these boards, I must say. Okay Filly...DUCK!

:candy: [/*]

LOL, yeah, I thought it was quite appropriate!!!!!



Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?

A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

[workn2hard2day]

A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit.

"That's an elephant", the mother said.

After the child repeated after her, he asked, "Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"

The mother replied, "That's his trunk, sweetheart."

"No, no", said the child, "Behind that!"

"Oh, that's his tail", she said.

"No, no!" the boy exclaimed. "That thing in the middle!"

The woman was flustered and replied, "Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!" And they moved on.....

The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried, "Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!"

The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, "Elephant!"

"Very GOOD", beamed the father. "I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!"

The boy asked, "Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?"

The father replied, "That's his trunk."

"No!", the boy moaned, "Behind that!"

"That's his tail", the father replied.

"No, no! That thing in the middle!"

The father stammered, "Er...what did your mother say it was?"

"She said it was nothing!"

"Well", the man said, puffing out his chest. "Your mother's spoiled!"

[workn2hard2day]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my older brother. I was maybe 2 years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite new toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. Dad had her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, and then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??........

[Pretty Leaf]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

The woman responded 'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper'

[Bonzo]

a traveling salesman was driving through a farm community when his car broke down. he trudged up to the only farm house nearby and told the farmer about his problem. as it was late at night the salesman asked the farmer if he had any place that the salesman could sleep. the farmer said "well i have a room available but you'd have to share it with my son".

the salesman exclaimed "oh darn, i'm in the wrong joke".

Bon