need advice

[RazzyisaFlab]

I'm not new, many of you know some of my history, but I'm having a hard time. My 20 yr. old was molested by her bio dad. I have posted about it. I have not lied to her about anything. She has seen pics of him, has had his real name. Some women posted to her on her Facebook "I think I kow your dad".

Why woulds some woman go to someone's facebook and say I think I know your dad? I don't do facebook at all but I reseached, and behold it's her bio dads mother in law. I found a posting from them from last oct. something to the affect" let her know it wasn't you're choice to leave her" ( not exact words ) and certainly not true, and I responded it was the States choice, and he signed his parental rights away. But my daughter wants to see him. My heart is broken, I protected her then, but I can't now. When this came out for the 1st time ever there was witnesses. That *8ch that contacted my daughter woke up the protective MOM in me. She has no idea what she has done. God help her soul and mine. Any advice? How do ppl stick there nose in other ppl lives I don't get it? How many others with the same names did she do that too? Sick even if no one resonds I vented.

[ninetoes]

I dont have any words of wisdom or advice for you, because I dont know how I would deal with such a situation. But, I will certainly be praying for both you and your daughter as you try to find the answers.

[RazzyisaFlab]

I dont have any words of wisdom or advice for you, because I dont know how I would deal with such a situation. But, I will certainly be praying for both you and your daughter as you try to find the answers.

TY, 9 toes, it's gonna take alot to get past this. It took yrs to get past this when it happened. Now he's doing this, and she wants to see him, I had to protect her then and I can't now, and she has know idea............anyways ty for your thoughts and prayers

[wasapi2]

TY, 9 toes, it's gonna take alot to get past this. It took yrs to get past this when it happened. Now he's doing this, and she wants to see him, I had to protect her then and I can't now, and she has know idea............anyways ty for your thoughts and prayers

Having worked as an advocate for rape and incest survivors going through the legal system, I will offer my opinion.

My opinion is that you need to step back and allow her to see him. Please know that I am aware of how difficult it will be for you, but I also think that you will be glad that you did. She is curious. If you try to talk her out of seeing him, if you discourage her, her curiosity may grow stronger. It's OK for you to say you aren't comfortable with it, but I wouldn't try to stop her. He hasn't changed. They don't. She will be able to see this for herself and now, as an adult, and she will have the control to walk away. Children don't have control, and I believe that part of her healing will be to face him and then choose to walk away.

Best of luck with this difficult situation.

[Moondust]

TY, 9 toes, it's gonna take alot to get past this. It took yrs to get past this when it happened. Now he's doing this, and she wants to see him, I had to protect her then and I can't now, and she has know idea............anyways ty for your thoughts and prayers


How old was your daughter when this happened to her, if you don't mind me asking?

Do you think it may be time to sit her down and tell her the truth??

She may have this as a blocked memory and it may come out without any notice...I think its only fair that she is prepared for it. I know personally that a child can remember sexual abuse as far back as two years of age.

My thoughts are with you both...:rose:

[AnnieKins]

Razzy, my heart is breaking for you. Having never been in a situation like this, I truly don't know what I'd do for sure.

But I do agree with what everyone has posted here. Your daughter is a grown woman now (even though it still feels as though she's your baby!) and its time for her to know the complete truth. You can't protect her forever, and she may be going into this wearing rose-coloured glasses... but hopefully she will come out of this knowing the truth about what happened and what her father was really like.

My prayers are with you, honey.

Annie

[RazzyisaFlab]

How old was your daughter when this happened to her, if you don't mind me asking?

Do you think it may be time to sit her down and tell her the truth??

She may have this as a blocked memory and it may come out without any notice...I think its only fair that she is prepared for it. I know personally that a child can remember sexual abuse as far back as two years of age.

My thoughts are with you both...:rose:

Thank you, I was upset last night and went offline.
When I found out she was 3. It's something she did after we got back from Kings Island. She knows everything, but does not remember the actual abuse. My husband at the time adopted her when the State of Mi. suggested to the pedophile to give up his parental rights. I have never hid anything from her. If she chose to look him up that's different, but he set this up to have his mother in law do it, and he;ll lie and connive his way back into her life after what he did. My older daughter, 32, and I are already arguing over this, she's the 1 who told me about this. I'm so not handling this right.:angry:

[RazzyisaFlab]

Razzy, my heart is breaking for you. Having never been in a situation like this, I truly don't know what I'd do for sure.

But I do agree with what everyone has posted here. Your daughter is a grown woman now (even though it still feels as though she's your baby!) and its time for her to know the complete truth. You can't protect her forever, and she may be going into this wearing rose-coloured glasses... but hopefully she will come out of this knowing the truth about what happened and what her father was really like.

My prayers are with you, honey.

Annie

Thank You Annie, this has taken me down. But I swear if he hurts her, lies to her, after 17 yrs. I will find him and beat his a$$.( I seen his facebook page and pictures, won't take much and I'm not big:sneaky: )

All he has to offer her is lies, what else can he do? That's why this is breaking me. She's going to college to be a police then eventually DEA, perhaps she should go read the states case against her bio dad. I have to let this go for awhile, I'm making myself physically sick over this.

[Carol25]

Razzy, we are all here for you. If you hadn't put this on the board, you would not had received the wonderful adv ice you did, such as the professional Wasapi.

Your daughter needs to do this for one reason or another. I would be there for her afterwards just like you have been in the past. If she has questions or there are "gaps" in the story the BD omitted, perhaps you can help her out with facts, such as court papers.

Above all be sure and let her know how much she is loved. Just as you always have.

I will be praying for you and your daughter. Take care.

[GossipGirl]

Hi Razzy!

You're going to be fine, and here's how you'll do it.

First off, you've got to realize you have multiple issues going on here.
One, is you.
Two is her.
Three is him.
Four is the knowledge (which you must accept) that his family etc. do not know the truth as you see it, he has colored it for them, so it is not their fault they are acting as they are (MIL). She only can go by what she's been told, and I believe her response and actions speak to that.
Five is the Future.

Now, what to do about any of it?
One. Realize you harbor incredible anger towards him that is now coming out because you no longer have the power to control keeping your child away from him. You're angry at her because she actually wants to see him. You're angry at time and how it has progressed into her adulthood where she gets to make her own choices.
Know this. You've done your job. You raised her up and you now have to gift her to the Universe. She was never yours to keep. Trust in her ability to deal with it, suggest she get some counseling, agree to discuss things as they happen and to have an OPEN MIND to her way of thinking as she INTEGRATES what both her parent's are telling her.
Get your own help separate from hers, and keep your personal opinions about her Dad to yourself.
If you want her to come to you, then make sure the door isn't too hard for her to open.

Two. Be patient and kind and see it from her point of view. I'd want to see him too, if I were her. Curiosity. The wanting to see if his story gels with yours. The desire to see where some physical traits come from. The willingness to see that, since she has no recall, she has a responsibility to check it out for herself. We only get 2 parent's. Everyone deserves to know theirs and pass their own judgement on them, after doing their own personal research.

Three. Call him up! If you think your daughter is going into a den of theives and killers, then be a good Mom and check it out ahead of time for her. She's going to do it anyway....so, pave the way for her. Tell him she's an extraordinary young woman with a bright future and she wants very much to get to know him. Explain that it's all very hard for you, but you're keeping an open mind now for her sake, and moving forward. If he wasn't prosecuted, then there's really nothing you can do. If you don't want to call him and reach out first, then it'll all be on her, and you've got to let it go the way it's to go.
Whatever that is.
It would be nice to know ahead of time what his current living situation is etc. Suggest she meet him in a restaurant first, so she feels more comfortable.

Five. The Future depends on One through Four.
You will be fine, have faith in yourself!!
Embrace your future, don't run from it.

GG

[R~O~S]

Thank You Annie, this has taken me down. But I swear if he hurts her, lies to her, after 17 yrs. I will find him and beat his a$$.( I seen his facebook page and pictures, won't take much and I'm not big:sneaky: )

All he has to offer her is lies, what else can he do? That's why this is breaking me. She's going to college to be a police then eventually DEA, perhaps she should go read the states case against her bio dad. I have to let this go for awhile, I'm making myself physically sick over this.


Razzy: Listen to wasapi2. Realize, you've done everything you can to protect your daughter. She's had the advantage, you were able to completely remove her abuser from her life all throughout her formative years.

Most parents don't get to do that, the courts keep the abuser in the child's life. Your daughter is a well adjusted young lady. She's had 17 years to know you are the nurturing caring parent who was there for her all her life.

It's normal and natural she should have curiosity about her bio dad. That takes nothing from her step dad. She also knows him for the loving, caring & protecting parent he is.

She's 20, she's not 10. He can't hurt her in the same way any more. Will he lie to her, of course he will, unless he's only hoping to make contact and move forward while completely ignoring the past. But, she has the foundation of her upbringing & common sense.

This will be a growing experience for her. She'll question what he says vs what you've said over the years, if they discuss the past. There's no guarantee they will. Be prepared not to contradict what he says, but to ask her to evaluate it and what she thinks.

One thing is certain, if you try to prevent it, she'll think you're hiding something. Don't let that happen, let her find out what/who her father is, as an adult she's fully capable of protecting herself. More importantly, she needs to find out for herself and put any questions she may have to rest, once and for all.

This is no different than any adopted child seeking their bio parents. Some find wonderful second families that never take the place of the parents who raised them, others come away grateful the bio parents loved them enough to let them go knowing their lives were much better than those parents could or would have provided.

He did one thing right, he let her go, allowing you to give her a normal life. He did sign away his parental rights, he may have been pressured to do it, but he did. If not for that, you would have dealt with his interference (& mind games) her entire childhood.

Best wishes to you both.

[wasapi2]

Raz, I really believe that your daughter needs to do this as part of her healing. When she chooses to walk away from him it will be her decision. She will be in control. It won't be the courts decision, or anyone elses. Finally she will be in a position to feel control, something he took from her long ago.

I can't tell you how many young women I talked to who never really started to completely heal until they faced their abuser years later. This will turn out OK.

However, it is completely understandable why you are so upset, and I don't mean to undermine that at all. Most of us become mama-bears if it involves our children even if they are adults themselves. The need to protect is so strong, and this is such a difficult situation for you to be in. It may be one of the hardest things you have to do. But trust in your daughter, trust in the good meaning people here who only want to help. And try to not pay attention to those who come here and try to make you feel bad for reaching out.

Keep reaching out. For as long as you need to. There are people here who really care.

[Lavinya]

Your new nic. doesn't hide who you are....ever since my return here, I've been watching your posts...your only purpose is to seek out and belittle other posters for what they post and find the littlest infraction so you can run to the mods....did they get tired of your tattletaling...is that why you have a new nic. now...:rolleyes:

I'm so sorry Razzy...I had to get that off my chest....wishing you the best in whatever choices are made here. Your daughter is old enough to at least have a visit with her bio. dad....she sounds like she has a good future ahead of her and am guessing she won't go head over heels for her father.

It's not a thread until Mary Sunshine poos all over it. :thumbdown:

Razzy, I bet she is still trying to reconcile all that happened. My father is dying right now and the whole family is estranged from him, but I still have hopes that he won't be that person I know he is. For some reason we never give up hope. I think your daughter will be okay. She needs to see it for herself, IMO.

[RazzyisaFlab]

Thank you my friends for your kind words and wisdom. I've been kinda avoiding comming and reading this thread, how come we never run out of tears? The troll poster doesn't bother me. I do need to call and apologize to her for my initial reaction when I seen her pic on his facebook page, I lost it. I'm going to keep re~reading this thread for all the great advice until I get into my thick head, I have to let her do this and keep my BIG mouth shut. But deep inside this is so wrong.

BTW.. I didn't turn him in, I called a place to have her evaluated by a professional, it was supposed to be confidential until I figured out what happened, they called the state. They ( state social worker) showed up at my door the next day. From there it was out of my hands.


I know what happened, she told me,2~ 3 yr. olds can't make up something they know nothing about.

Anyways thanks for guiding me through this. I'll let ya know if I need bail money:wink:

Thank You Friends:wub:

[bugout]

Razzy, good luck with this. Mine did not meet her "bio father" until she was almost 18 but it still threw her for a loop. Even though we did everything to prepare for it.
Looking back, I had to keep my word, that if she ever asked for contact info I would give it and I did.

Hard decision to make, it was. She is most likely feeling a sense of "who is my family" "where do I belong" "did they ever love me" ...and so on.

And in all honesty, remember that you raised her. And all the morals and ethics you've instilled in her, will stay with her. A gentle reminder at some point, if she ever has young children I would advise against having them near him...but other than that this will be a time that you have to let go and let god, if you can. Trust in what you've taught your daughter.
Trust in the love that you share. I know that even for her real father that adopted her and raised her, it is also, quite hard. But loyalties run deep. She will never forget, or set aside who raised her. And none of this can hold a candle to the years you've put in as a Mom.
Don't forget that.

:rose:

Bug

[birdwatch]

Thank you my friends for your kind words and wisdom. I've been kinda avoiding comming and reading this thread, how come we never run out of tears? The troll poster doesn't bother me. I do need to call and apologize to her for my initial reaction when I seen her pic on his facebook page, I lost it. I'm going to keep re~reading this thread for all the great advice until I get into my thick head, I have to let her do this and keep my BIG mouth shut. But deep inside this is so wrong.

BTW.. I didn't turn him in, I called a place to have her evaluated by a professional, it was supposed to be confidential until I figured out what happened, they called the state. They ( state social worker) showed up at my door the next day. From there it was out of my hands.


I know what happened, she told me,2~ 3 yr. olds can't make up something they know nothing about.

Anyways thanks for guiding me through this. I'll let ya know if I need bail money:wink:

Thank You Friends:wub: Prayers for you and your daughter. I hope you will let us know how it goes - after the visit.

[R~O~S]

(respectfully snipped)

I'll let ya know if I need bail money:wink:

Thank You Friends:wub:

My stashy money is all yours Raz, but you won't need it.

Have faith doll, you've done all the right things, it's time to let her spread her wings, just a bit. She has all that you've spent years teaching her to hold her strong and bring her back to you safe and sound.

& if she comes back just a bit shaken, you'll pick her up, dust her off and she'll know deep in her soul who's always had her best interest at heart & never have any spec of doubt in that truth again.

[RazzyisaFlab]

I didn't read her post as ugly at all, I think that what she was saying, is that this is a very sensitive, private, situation. And considering your daughters age should be treated as such. I understand reaching out, but I too believe that there are groups out there to give you one on one help. Please don't consider this an ugly post, specially since we know each other from the Caylee forum.

Hi Willow, I have no problem with your post. Haven't posted on Caylee's board in so long, just read, my brain can't hold so much info. I'll be there( reading/watching) for b`acne's hearing comming up. She'll plea out. IMO

I think the discussion and extremely helpful advice has been done quite maturely and I do appreciate it. It calmed me down.

[watson]

Willow is right. The post that has been removed was not at all nasty, in my opinion. It made perfect sense, and I think that poster was giving you the best advice that she had for the situation.

Sometimes others will NOT tell you what you want to hear, but what they think is best. You did, after all, ask for advice on a message board/public forum. I'm sure he/she was being as honest with you as he/she could be.

The one thing that perplexes me is that you did NOT have her Father arrested and tried for his filthy, vicious crimes. That may turn out to be the biggest mistake of all. Good luck.

I don't believe it would have been up to Razzy to have the father arrested. If this was all brought to the attention of CYF or CPS they would have been required by law to notify LE. Perhaps there wasn't enough evidence? I don't know the circumstances, I'm just saying that a felony was supposedly committed but without evidence or based merely on what a 3 year old said, this would be a difficult case to prosecute.

[fastpitch]

iirc, there is no statute of limitations on child molestation.

I have no use for Facebook, but that is just me.

[Moondust]

iirc, there is no statute of limitations on child molestation.

I have no use for Facebook, but that is just me.

The laws vary by state but most do have a limit...

http://www.darkness2light.org/KnowAbout/articles_extensions_statutes.asp

From link...

Some states have no time limitation for the prosecution of most sexual offenses against children:
- Alabama (violent crimes or sex offenses involving persons under 16);
- Alaska (most sexual offenses against children under 18);
- Kentucky (felonies);
- Maine (incest, rape, or gross sexual assault of victim under 16);
- Maryland;
- North Carolina;
- Rhode Island;
- South Carolina;
- Virginia (felonies);
- West Virginia (felonies); and
- Wyoming.

In addition to the above, several states have no statute of limitations for prosecutions of the most serious forms of sexual assault, regardless of the age of the victim. These include Florida, Indiana, Mississippi, New Jersey, New Mexico and South Dakota .


The key is being able to prove it after many years which is something that is very hard to do IMO.


PS...Razzy..that link may be very benificial to you...here is the featured articles link...

http://www.darkness2light.org/KnowAbout/featured_articles.asp

[R~O~S]

iirc, there is no statute of limitations on child molestation.

I have no use for Facebook, but that is just me.

Different states, different statutes, but no statute of limitations isn't true. That's why they weren't able to prosecute most of the priests the Archdiocese of Boston kept secret for so long. The only reason they got Potter was because he left the state putting the statute on pause.

If he signed away his parental rights in a deal to avoid prosecution, they can't charge him now. But, Raz isn't looking for prosecution, she only wants to keep her daughter safe.

She will be safe, she's not a child anymore. She's had the advantage of a good upbringing in a stable non abusive home & she will not allow herself to be placed in a vulnerable position when making initial contact.

He won't hurt her, she's doesn't meet his "taste" anymore.

He wants something from her. What we don't know, is what that something is. Best case, it's forgiveness. Worst case it's to try to somehow rehabilitate himself with her without acknowledging he did what he did when she was so little. Doing so would mean Raz unjustly kept him out of her life for some selfish reason other than the reality.

If it's the worst case, there's enough reality available in the way of case history to counter it. Not Raz's word, documentation she doesn't need until/unless she truly questions the facts.

In all likelihood, it's never going to go that far. He wants something, the question is what. As long as she doesn't have children he can gain access to I don't see any need to panic. Better now than when there are children.

[RazzyisaFlab]

Different states, different statutes, but no statute of limitations isn't true. That's why they weren't able to prosecute most of the priests the Archdiocese of Boston kept secret for so long. The only reason they got Potter was because he left the state putting the statute on pause.

If he signed away his parental rights in a deal to avoid prosecution, they can't charge him now. But, Raz isn't looking for prosecution, she only wants to keep her daughter safe.

She will be safe, she's not a child anymore. She's had the advantage of a good upbringing in a stable non abusive home & she will not allow herself to be placed in a vulnerable position when making initial contact.

He won't hurt her, she's doesn't meet his "taste" anymore.

He wants something from her. What we don't know, is what that something is. Best case, it's forgiveness. Worst case it's to try to somehow rehabilitate himself with her without acknowledging he did what he did when she was so little. Doing so would mean Raz unjustly kept him out of her life for some selfish reason other than the reality.

If it's the worst case, there's enough reality available in the way of case history to counter it. Not Raz's word, documentation she doesn't need until/unless she truly questions the facts.

In all likelihood, it's never going to go that far. He wants something, the question is what. As long as she doesn't have children he can gain access to I don't see any need to panic. Better now than when there are children.

Hi R O S, great post and on target. She already met with him yesterday. He did lie to her and denied he flunked a poly. I will now point her to the prosecuters office to the case file. This really has the family really upset. My son read her new posting on her facebook about meeting him, as did I today, and is very upset with her. And she does have a daughter. He'll never see her!! It took along time...... yrs. to let go some of my anger over this...... it's comming back. I would have preferred prosecution.

[Moondust]

Hi R O S, great post and on target. She already met with him yesterday. He did lie to her and denied he flunked a poly. I will now point her to the prosecuters office to the case file. This really has the family really upset. My son read her new posting on her facebook about meeting him, as did I today, and is very upset with her. And she does have a daughter. He'll never see her!! It took along time...... yrs. to let go some of my anger over this...... it's comming back. I would have preferred prosecution.

Hi, Razzy...just wanted to give yo this link again in case you missed it...it can be very benificial in which-ever avenue you may pursue with your daughter....

http://www.darkness2light.org/KnowAbout/featured_articles.asp