Guidelines for Cats

[VC2]

This is so funny and so true.

Just one of the sections:

Toys
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a good toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.

* Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

* Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss (& Q-tips) also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on.

* When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity.

http://www.jamesshuggins.com/h/hum1/guidelines_for_cats.htm

[sunstar]

This is just too funny!!! :laugh: I especially liked these two parts ~

Hampering
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim-to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

and

Human Inconsistency
Humans spend many hours sitting in front of a box with moving pictures, tapping tiny squares on a board with their fingertips...it is rumored that this is actually how humans sharpen their claws! Considering how sanctimonious they are when they catch cats sharpening their claws, humans obviously need a lesson in consistency. One of the best ways to do this is to walk on the board with the tiny squares...that will always get a huge reaction from the human, a good indication that you're actually teaching them something! If that doesn't work, lay on the board or throw up a furball on it! There's no good reason why humans should be allowed to sharpen their claws while forbidding cats to do so! :lol:

[Noahs ARK]

Absolutely hysterical and true!!

Thanks for posting this - I'm sending to all friends/family.:tonguewag:

My favorite:

Walking
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

[sunstar]

Absolutely hysterical and true!!

Thanks for posting this - I'm sending to all friends/family.:tonguewag:

My favorite: Walking
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

I loved that one too! I copied the link so I can give it to another cat lover at work tomorrow! :smile:

[VC2]

Absolutely hysterical and true!!

Thanks for posting this - I'm sending to all friends/family.:tonguewag:

My favorite: Walking
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

i think my guys learned every one of these guidelines :D

Seen other lists htat are funny re cats sort of like this but this is by far the best! I am so glad i now know why they always look at me funny when im on the phone..worrying about my sanity the little humanitarians :laugh:

[VC2]

The "cat games" part is hysterical too, including the warning.

Cat Games

* Catch Mouse
The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

* King of the Hill
This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.

Warning: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

[Gary_Tibbs]

May I add....When your human is online, be sure to jump on the keyboard.

[n/t]

Absolutely hysterical and true!!

Thanks for posting this - I'm sending to all friends/family.:tonguewag:

My favorite:

Walking
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

:lol: I thought mine was the only one who did this. Mine also hides and then jumps at me out of the blue. It's usually when I'm carrying a cup of coffee. I thought he was a psycho cat. :lol:

[sunstar]

May I add....When your human is online, be sure to jump on the keyboard.

Especially when trying to post something here!! :lol:

[Pat]

Only those owned by cats can appreciate the humor in this piece :laugh:

After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

I've had long conversations about door etiquette with every cat who shared our home. None were "outside" cats, but we always had screened porches where they could go out and survey their kingdom. Not a one, ever, got the concept of "...you're letting out all the cold/hot air!". Nor did they pay attention to, "Make up your mind!" :laugh:

[Noahs ARK]

I've had long conversations about door etiquette with every cat who shared our home. None were "outside" cats, but we always had screened porches where they could go out and survey their kingdom. Not a one, ever, got the concept of "...you're letting out all the cold/hot air!". Nor did they pay attention to, "Make up your mind!" :laugh:

:lol: It's true!

We have a screened balconey. They can go in and out as they please during the Spring and Fall months, cuz then I keep the door open.

But during Summer and Winter - they mosey thru the doorway AS IF I have time to stand there all day waiting for them to get thru the doorway and AS IF they're paying the cooling/heating bills. :mad:

[Themis]

Thanks, VC2, for sharing the Guidelines for Cats excerpts and the link. They're all so true ... LOL!

Here's my contribution to the wonderful world of those pets who own us:

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.


Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I really cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. eat less,
2. don't ask for money all the time,
3. are easier to train,
4. normally come when called,
5. never ask to drive the car,
6. don't hang out with drug-using people,
7. don't smoke or drink,
8. don't want to wear your clothes,
9. don't have to buy the latest fashions,
10. don't need a gazillion dollars for college



__________________________
Please don't contribute to the pet overpopulation -- spay or neuter your cats and dogs.