JOKES,VIDEOS, U TUBE, POEMS, & ONLINE GAMES [links only please]

[Spyder88]

Congratulations! You are the lucky owner of the Model ZVZ156 Vangplotz High Digenation Wide-Scringe Framulator, Series 7000, with fernillated quick response Worzel and 20,000 zurlebytes of the scringe-view quorms. Follow these simple instructions and soon you will enjoy untold hours of pleasure.

IMPORTANT: Begin by lifting out the plune-wrapped section marked “Lithinode Distrillitor” and refer to the blue-colored pictochit-regulator intensity chart on the side. If the chart has the fuchsia-colored code BRZ3434, your unit requires an AC4(x2x3) model.

If the intensity chart is colored burnt orange instead of blue, then call your local Vangplotz “Speedy Geek” home service provider at 1-800-UONHOLD.

(WARNING: If the intensity chart is colored silver with pink stripes, then your distrillitor must be activated in person by a Vangplotz lithinode technician with 48 to 72 hours. Vangplotz service centers are conveniently located in the Yellow Dog, AL industrial campus and the six-story Grendel Mall-City in Frozen Badger, ND)

Next, lift out the tray marked “Tools” and check the inclusions against the following list:

One 7¾ inch extenulator
Two packages of ¾ inch fribbets
Four packages of 1½ inch fribbets
One six-jointed revolving spangle
One Spurgle-head grommel
Six fandles
One swigel-headed flonge
One multi-pronged grallup
One soft-COR elasticized squiller

Unpack the main components: Scringe, MO-DOR, qualblanz scrambler, disk-o-later insertion whindler, zagenator, gridger board, Wooflang biceptor, varnicle inhibitor, Worzel.

Remove plune-wrappings from the scringe. Using the 7¾ inch extenulator, calibrate the number of inches spanning the scringe-gripper aperture on the MO-DOR scrambler. The ZVZ156 scringe must have a 14 inch aperture to successfully interflex with the MO-DOR picrochits. If the aperture exceeds 14 inches, insert and turn the soft-COR elasticized squiller. Upon completion proceed to:

STEP 1:

First, insert the lithinode distrillitor pack into the scringe under the panel marked Varnicle Reflexelator Chamber. A flinged graffler at the bottom of the chamber will connect the distrillitor to the varnicle.

Next, lower the scringe into the MO-DOR scringe-gripper aperture using the swingel-headed flonge to secure it onto the varnicle nodes, which conduct 20 zilihurtz magnifers to the varnicles. Use the multipronged grallup to secure the pink wooplers to the orange varnicle nodes and the four triple-pronged green wires to the varnicle inhibitor.

WARNING: Even one woopler-varnicle node misconnection will cause zurls to disrupt the scringe-view quorms once the famulator is plugged in.

STEP 2:

On the gridger board, align the zagenator, whindler and biceptor units 2.725 inches apart, calibrating the distance with the extenulator. Place the gridger board on top of the units and secure with 1 ½ inch fribbets using the revolving spangler. Stabilize the units by installing fandles using 1 ½ inch fribbets. Go carefully; this is a narrow space. Attach the Spugell-head grommel onto the wrochle prong of the multi-pronged grillup and position it directly over a fribbet.

Next, extend the revolving spangler to the fourth joint, attach the bludger head and release the sping-grip. With your left hand, carefully lower the spangler and clamp the spinnrip around the grommel handle while turning the spangler speed valve to “rapid” with your right, and pressing the oscillator button with your other hand.

THIS CONCLUDES PART 1


:santa:

[lost indie]

:santa:

http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~zeigleem/potatoes.htm

[Spyder88]

This is a good video for everyone, particularly women.


http://video.sheriff.org/psa_cartheft.shtml

[lost indie]

poor guy..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPFQ4kor3I4&feature=related

:D

[Manderley]

Here's my all time favorite YouTube:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMbww-nCVQg

[Caje]

I remember the first time I heard about the church of scientology. All the 90’s tabloid shows were reporting about a woman named Lisa McPherson. She had apparently died while under the care of scientology church members.

http://www.lisamcpherson.org/

Sometime later I read an article about the church’s practice of auditing new members.

The only other organization I know of that “audits” you so thoroughly is the IRS.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auditing_(Scientology)

[harley]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKQEQ7qHvgM

[Spyder88]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.


The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

:candy:

[schuyler]

"Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, "I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing?"

I still don't know if she was joking."

:eek:

[Tracker]

:lol:

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.


Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one. '

[schuyler]

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says
to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science
has finally figured out a way to create life out of
nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did
in the 'beginning.'"

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt
and form it into the likeness of you and breathe
life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and
starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

"Get your own dirt."

[ExArkie]

I LOVE Les Miserables (the book, the movie and the stage musical). Here is a clip from the movie which was NOT a musical; but, using the music from the play as background. Love it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgQgzKVX9jc

[Scully]

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER


I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.




Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.




I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.




I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.






I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.




I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.




I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.




Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.




Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.




I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.




I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.




I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.




And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. disfiguring me for life.




I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.




I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.




I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.




I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.




I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .




I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.




I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.




Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.




Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney and Maxine has given us. I can live a better life now because they've told us how to fix everything..




And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.




If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.


I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour¢s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.




A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late......




Have a wonderful day!

[Ladyhawk]

One day Lizard is walking in the jungle and he sees smoke drifting around the trees ahead of him. As he gets closer to the trees he stops, looks up and sees Monkey sitting in a tree smoking a joint. Lizard says to Monkey, “Hey Monkey, what’re you doing?” Monkey replies “Smokin’ a joint, come up and have some, it’s really good stuff.”
So Lizard climbs up and sits next to Monkey and they smoke a few joints. They’re laughing and carrying on and after a while Lizard’s mouth gets very dry and he is very thirsty and he tells Monkey he’s going to the river for a drink.
Lizard climbs down and heads for the river and when he gets there he is so stoned that he leans over way too far and falls in. Now being very stoned, Lizard forgets he can swim and immediately freaks out believing he is going to drown and begins to frantically splash the water with his tail (to what good he’s not sure). On the opposite bank, Crocodile hears the commotion in the water and thinking the noise could mean a snack, looks up and sees the freaked out Lizard splashing hopelessly around. So, Crocodile swims over, helps Lizard to the riverbank and then asks Lizard, “What is the matter with you?”
Lizard explains to Crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with Monkey smoking pot and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
Crocodile says he must check this out and wanders into the jungle in search of Monkey. He finds the tree and there is Monkey, sitting on a branch, just finishing up a joint. He yells up to Monkey, “Hey Monkey!..wh..” but before he can finish his sentence, Monkey looks down, almost falling from the branch and says, "Daaaammmmnnnn........How much water did you drink?!"

[susied]

all of the above very funny

A couple who were in their nineties were getting a divorce and things were a little contentious. At one point the judge, exasperated, looked across the bench and said "I just don't understand this. You two have been married over seventy years, frankly you can't have too much time left. Why on earth are you putting yourselves through this?" The woman looked at him and said "We wanted to wait until the children were dead."

[Pretty Leaf]

A doctor in Ireland wanted to take off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

"George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers George.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, George, how was your day?"

George told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

 "Bravo, Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says George.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table.
She spreads her legs and shouts:
"HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"Tunderin' Lard Jayzus, George, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[n/t]

A man has 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in his right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. My wife
was supposed to come here with me, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."


:biggrin:

[Land Shark®]

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

[Ladyhawk]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Land Shark®]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

[Scully]

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.



Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there

[Sara6000]

^ :santa: ^



A drag queen walked into a Catholic church as the priest was walking down the aisle, swinging the incense pot.

He said to the priest, "Oh, honey, I just love your dress, but do you know that your handbag is on fire?"

[Land Shark®]

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don't know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.

"I don't know."

[aldebaran]

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and clever. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions. Enjoy!

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it! .

Q: True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet

Q: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A: Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

[happy2bme]

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea
to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.

THURSDAY :

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :

I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little s***) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[Grins]

Alimentary Education

There are times
in life
when it is impolite
to question the site and
source of
warmth


:hat:

[Smokey Stover]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED:

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road
and slowly the driver gets out of the car. And you know how you
just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well,
I could NOT believe it. He was a DWARF! He storms over to my car,
looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and
say,
"Well, which one ARE you, then?"

And that's when the fight started.

[Land Shark®]

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

[Spyder88]

Spring has sprung.
The grass is riz...
I wonder where the birdies is.

Little birdie in the sky.
Dropping whitewash in my eye.

But I won't fret and I won't cry.
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

[UnawareFilly]

Here ya go, Sweetcharlotte


Early Bird

Oh, if you're a bird, be an early bird
And catch the worm for your breakfast plate.
If you're a bird, be an early early bird-
But if you're a worm, sleep late.

by Shel Silverstein

[UnawareFilly]

Q: What's the difference between a duck with one wing and a duck with two wings?

A: Why, that's a difference of a pinion!


:D

[UnawareFilly]

Q: What do you give a sick bird?

A: Tweetment!
:biggrin:

[Spyder88]

Q. What does a rare bird say when he's about to be thrown off a cliff?

A. It's a long way to tip a rarie.

:biggrin:

[UnawareFilly]

Q: Where does a peacock go when it loses its tail?

A: A re-tail store!

[UnawareFilly]

Originally posted by Spyder88


:santa: Happens alot on these boards, I must say. Okay Filly...DUCK!

:candy: [/*]

LOL, yeah, I thought it was quite appropriate!!!!!



Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?

A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels

[Land Shark®]

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

[workn2hard2day]

A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit.

"That's an elephant", the mother said.

After the child repeated after her, he asked, "Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"

The mother replied, "That's his trunk, sweetheart."

"No, no", said the child, "Behind that!"

"Oh, that's his tail", she said.

"No, no!" the boy exclaimed. "That thing in the middle!"

The woman was flustered and replied, "Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!" And they moved on.....

The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried, "Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!"

The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, "Elephant!"

"Very GOOD", beamed the father. "I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!"

The boy asked, "Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?"

The father replied, "That's his trunk."

"No!", the boy moaned, "Behind that!"

"That's his tail", the father replied.

"No, no! That thing in the middle!"

The father stammered, "Er...what did your mother say it was?"

"She said it was nothing!"

"Well", the man said, puffing out his chest. "Your mother's spoiled!"

[workn2hard2day]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my older brother. I was maybe 2 years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite new toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. Dad had her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, and then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??........

[Pretty Leaf]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

The woman responded 'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper'

[Bonzo]

a traveling salesman was driving through a farm community when his car broke down. he trudged up to the only farm house nearby and told the farmer about his problem. as it was late at night the salesman asked the farmer if he had any place that the salesman could sleep. the farmer said "well i have a room available but you'd have to share it with my son".

the salesman exclaimed "oh darn, i'm in the wrong joke".

Bon

[Land Shark®]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, if they're small enough.

[aldebaran]

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS!

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

[Tracker]

Snow White
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As
lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry
it to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began
calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs
had somehow survived.

"Hello, hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,

"Hello! Is anyone down there?" Just as she was about to
give up all hope, there came a faint voice
from deep within the mine. "Vote for
Hillary, Vote for Hillary."

Snow White fell to her knees, and prayed, "Oh,
thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive."

[Scully]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband, who suddenly burst into the kitchen.

"Careful! Careful!" he said. "Put in some more butter! Oh, no, you're cooking too many at once! Turn them now! They're going to stick! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Turn them! Hurry up! Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them; you know you always forget. Use the salt...the salt!"

The wife stared at him and asked. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband replied calmly, "I just wanted you to know what it feels like when I driving."

:D

[Land Shark®]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

[Cinoreah]

While walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in."

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy. He has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers.

"Well, I would never have said it before. I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags, as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday, I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now, it's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened"?

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted."

[Luckyman]

Chances are, you will see your favorite actress at some point during this presentation.
The "morphing" is remarkable. Whoever put this together deserves some accolades.

http://glumbert.com/wii/view.php?name=womenfilm

[Manzanita]

I just started using a Neti Pot for my allergies & it really works when used correctly! My daughter sent me this YouTube, gag Neti Pot demonstration & it cracks me up every time I see it. Warning: There's a bad word in the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQm7YpxgOnA

[n/t]

Enjoy! :)

http://www.bravewords.com/news/84008

[warhorse46]

Every woman will appreciate this.

POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm
Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her
head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this
room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything
clear? '

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the
right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said,
"Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get
everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob
wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard,
then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed
for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I
shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... the door's wide
open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly
how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked
and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed
between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba
(or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was
off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calm as
possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."!

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and
making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo
sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly
me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps........

[north-eh]

A man and a woman were getting into bed one night after a long day of arguing. The husband, feeling a bit sad and wanted to pay his wife a compliment says " Goodnight, mother of five". The wife rolls to the other side and says " Goodnight, father of one".:biggrin:

[PatC]

Most of you have probably seen this, it's been around for years.

Ode To A Mammogram

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My Doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.

"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my boob in line.
"And, tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! That's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Breathe deeply, now," I heard her say,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
I can't do her bidding!

"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's do the other one."
"Have mercy," I was praying.

It squeezed me up and squeezed me down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there'd been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!

This machine was designed by a man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his ____ in there.
And see how they come out!


ETA: I hope nanabillie doesn't happen across this thread till she gets home with a clean bill of health today! It might strain her sense of humor before that.

[Ksjourneyman]

1977:2007 (I graduated in '77 BTW)

1977: Long hair
2007 : Longing for hair


1977 : KEG
2007: EKG



1977 : Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux



1977: Moving to California because it's cool
2007: Moving to Arizona because it's warm



1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or
Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor



1977: Seeds and stems
2007 : Roughage


1977: Hoping for a BMW
2007 : Hoping for a BM



1977: Going to a new, hip joint
2007 : Receiving a new hip joint



1977: Rolling Stones
2007 : Kidney Stones



1977: Screw the system
2007 : Upgrade the system


1977: Disco
2007 : Costco



1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2007: Children begging you to get their heads
shaved



1977: Passing the drivers' test
2007 : Passing the vision test


1977: Whatever
2007 : Depends


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1989.


They are too young to remember the space
shuttle blowing up.



Their lifetime has always included AIDS.



Bottle caps have always been sc rew off and plastic.



The CD was introduced the year they were born.


They have always had an answering machine


They have always had cable.



They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel', or 'de plane, Boss, de plane.'


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.


McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

To the younger readers, this was to poke fun at us oldies, not you. No offence intended!

[happy2bme]

http://www.dorks.com/videos/britains_got_talent__6_year_old_singer.html

[happy2bme]

http://www.dorks.com/videos/The-Fruitcake-Lady-3.html

[Grins]

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

http://www.funny2.com/wright.htm

[gorbal]

I told myself I wasn't going to post any more amv's...but this one was so beautiful-

Somewhere (D. Gray Man) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDg4qImnOOI)
(WARNING! Some disturbing imagery)

[NatalieB]

I saw this awhile ago and followed the competition out to see who won. I was SO mad when I found out she hadn't won, but I did get my first taste of the winner. While it's not really my thing, I actually had tears in my eyes after watching this:

http://www.dorks.com/videos/paul_the_opera_singer__britains_got_talent.html

[c_biscuit]

This is just adorable... :)

A 3 year old explains Star Wars
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBM854BTGL0&feature=related

This one has clips from the movie added in
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVyNnyLbcXM&feature=related

[Ionmhainn]

Whenever I need to lighten my mood, I click on this video.
Just can't help smiling and wishing I had the energy these guys have. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Navy Carrier Squadron "Pump It"

http://youtube.com/watch?v=DqaWdkdFb3Y

For an extra smile, try "Go Navy!"while you're there. :biggrin:

[Ionmhainn]

Go Navy!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=jShIeyur1G0


(THANKS, ExArkie!) :)

[Scully]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!'

[Regina.Lampert]

I became a fan of opera after listening to Luciano singing Puccini's Recondita armonia, from Tosca.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8nPO9n5GAo

Paul Pott's is singing Puccini also, Nessum Dorma from Turandot. Puccini brings out emotion in me that I never knew existed. Madame Butterfly really brings on the tears..........lol.
[/color]

[duncan]

I am haunted still by the attack on unarmed Americans.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoxxix0QQdU

[north-eh]

"Do you believe in life after death"? The boss asked his newest employee
"Yes sir" The new employee replied
"Well then, that makes everything just fine..." The boss went on
"After you left work early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped by to see you.":D

[Scully]

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5
passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best
NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me and I can't
afford to die". So he took the 1st pack and left
the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the
wife of a former U.S. President, a NY State Senator
and a potential future president, and I am the
smartest woman in American history, so America's
people don't want me to die". She took the 2nd pack
and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, Ted Kennedy said, "I am a US
Senator, the Democratic Party needs me and my liver
still has some good years left." So he grabbed the
pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5th
passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and
frail and don't have many years left, and as a
Christian, I will sacrifice my life and let you have
the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left
for you. America's smartest woman took my school bag."

[Suburban]

A lady goes in front of a Judge...Why did you take the can of peaches? Because we were hungry your honor...Well, I'm gonna have to give you 1 day for every sliced peach in that can.

Husband said...Your Honor....she stole a can of peas also.


:tongue:

[duncan]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc


Raw language warning.

[flipflop]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sV79wcHFJjg

:D

[duncan]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6exm2Hi28Xw


Wizard of Oz, Mad TV ending.

Warning *** language, violence and some sexual situations.


I laughed.

[duncan]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdrEmZ35fxc



last one tonight, I love this movie and this song, and Franco Nero is so easy on the eyes, at work when the burden is very heavy I have sung this song out loud in dark and empty corridors, never fails to cheer me up.


I love the song Camelot too, but on those hard nights I need a me me me , I can do this knd of song.

[Regina.Lampert]

From Les Miserables -[/color]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dq6_NWyvwD4&feature=related

[Wukong]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies." He responded.

"Oh . . . Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

(insert rim shot sound effect here)

[workn2hard2day]

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ***."

[Passions44]

W.O.R.K.

There is a virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK) .
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends.
If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[workn2hard2day]

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."

[Wukong]

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, 'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, A NICE BIG BED AND A PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

NOW, MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.


AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES!

[kenobicat]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim... "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[Scully]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance-
particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA
3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

*************************************
Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please
enter the command:

http\\www.IThoughtYouLovedMe.html

And try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install
the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and
Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application
can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,
Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program
that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0. It runs a
virus in the background that will eventually seize control
of all of your system resources.

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good luck,

Tech Support

[Wukong]

I love the 2 above this one :lol:

I am originally from Long Island and found this to be so true of LI babes; toughest women I know hammer



Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be. The first man had married a woman from Tennessee. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house
cleaning. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he
came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see
any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day,
his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge
dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Long Island. He boasted that
he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes
washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most
of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of
his left eye - just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load
the dishwasher, find a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper.

[gemsbmw]

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb

[happy2bme]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police man's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."


Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

[workn2hard2day]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope wasn't strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.

They weren't able to designate a person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and she was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

[StickyBeak]

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb

:seeya:

[TheMystic]

Make sure your speakers are turned on, very powerful! My Dad has parkinsons and my Mom sent this to my sisters and I.


http://parentswish.com

[Tracker]

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all
use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
heard on the Dr. Phil's show, you too can find Inner Peace. Dr. Phil
proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and

before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a
bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
prescription, the rest of the
cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how
freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on to those whom you
think might be in need of Inner Peace.

[bchand]

MY LIVING WILL


Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a ***ch.

[happy2bme]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuhqfzPNSMU

This is hilarious! A must watch.:lol:

[north-eh]

Homocide?
A not so very bright man suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he buys a handgun. The next day he comes home early and finds his wife in bed with another man. He takes the gun, puts it to his head and the wife starts screaming! He yells: "Shut up, your next!":biggrin:

[BorderCollieMom]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGZqJ3wFInM

GREAT TRIBUTE !

[ExArkie]

Love this - saw the kid on "American Idol" do it and just had to go find the Jeff Buckley version - I seem to remember that Buckley died really young - back in the early 90's. Beautiful song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsa_xWLOghg

And, this version by the Leonard Cohen who wrote it - different!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rf36v0epfmI&feature=related

[north-eh]

Third Marriage
Is this really your third marriage?
Sure is.
What happened to your first 2 wives?
They both died.
How did your 1st wife die?
She ate poisonous mushrooms.
What about your 2nd wife?
She died from a severe skull fracture.
How did she get the skull fracture?
She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
:D

[little_lulu]

Why females should avoid a "girls-night-out" after they are married....


The other evening I was invited out for a night with the girls.

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I arrived home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem upset in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh $h!+!!.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[J.D.]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Juanito Calenturas?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
'Well, Juanito, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Martinez?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Garcia?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Lopez?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Ramirez?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Fernandez, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire
that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4
months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Juanito walks back to his pew, and his friend Carlitos slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[gorbal]

Hallelujah is one of my favorite songs.

I don't know if people on here like these amv's, but this is the best one I have ever seen.-

Link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39tATYb41bM)

[starling]

Jerry the dog & his ball - pretty cute :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PcL6-mjRNk

[happy2bme]

Got this on an email and I just had to share.


Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations:



1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask…
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the “Butter Paneer Masala” good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement.
We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Answer:- No,he’s a miserable wife-beating isensitive lout…it’s just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I’m shedding……

9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!

[Oldsingledadof3]

Probably an old one, but thought this was good.

Lawyers should never ask a Idaho grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, an Idaho small town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[Grins]

9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

or

Answer: hehha ha huhink :o

[sage68]

Actual School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

[Bonzo]

my fav to add to the dumb questions list.....


acquaintance to pregnant lady "so you're pregnant then?"

"no, i'm just carrying it for a friend"


Bon

[J.D.]

1. How much your wife weighs.

2. How much she spends on a haircut.

3. How much it costs to get her blonde hair colored.

4. Why she didn't go through her handbag and get out whatever she needed (sunglasses, directions, etc.) before we leave home instead of waiting to reach down for her handbag and rummage through it when she is going 60 mph on the freeway.

This song expresses how I feel about her

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pR_NncIZo9s&NR=1

But why do women have to be so secretive about the silliest things?

[north-eh]

This is a true story, but wanted to share it with you.
Just the other day a very good friend of mine who has been single for a while now, just registered for a new myspace acct. Where it asked for sex..."male or female"....she put "none".:biggrin: I lmbo

[Land Shark®]

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

[StickyBeak]

hello..?
so cute I had to share...?
Never Lie to a Woman?

A man called home to his wife and said, "?Honey?I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada?with my boss & several of his Friends?.?

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"?
"?Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas.?"?



The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.?

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.?

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish??

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"?

You'll love the answer...?

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box?..."?

[ruby]

Subject: Best complaint letter--EVER!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American companyProcter and Gamble regarding their feminine products.

She really getsrolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choicefor best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsadancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach n tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr.Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, youmust know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for
most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of
all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.


Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you *bleepin* kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull crap. And that's a promise I will keep Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

[Ladyhawk]

A husband got in big trouble after his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him the day before: "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

[Wukong]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the
pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight
into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some
cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord
have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a
picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's
wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you
had a prescription."

[J.D.]

Sent to me in an email

Subject: IQ Test



This is a test for Intelligent People... I have determined that you qualify.


The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!





1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?











The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.




2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?






Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraff e, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.




3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?













Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?





















Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.



According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

[sexxytazz]

Question IQ Test

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should
spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.





By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,
how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
























He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.' If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.





I've got mine shutting down right now.






(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer).


:D

[Scully]

Don't cheat (or else).......


WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)


1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?





Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below .








ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)


What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.

[StickyBeak]

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/having-a-bad-day/3524053478

:seeya:

[jewel6]

This is pretty neat


http://digicc.com/fido/

[StickyBeak]

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of
sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table
and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just
slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No, he just
walked in the door."
:D

[Wukong]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

[Wukong]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
>
>
>
The teacher fainted...

[Wukong]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As
he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new
suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , 'Let's see... size 44
long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about
some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Wukong]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband,

"You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[crazyrn]

http://www.freerice.com/index.php

[Wukong]

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin '

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

'How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says 'one'.

The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?'

The kid says '$101,237.65 '.

The boss says '$101, 237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.

[Pretty Leaf]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.

So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work,she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...


You'll love this .


Yep...


I know you will . .




'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS'
>

[Carol25]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
__________________________________________________ ______________________
FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
_________________________ ___ ____________________________________________
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
__________________________________________________ _____________________
LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
__________________________________________________ _____________________
OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
__________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
__________________________________________________ _____________________
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know th at we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

[Pretty Leaf]

------------------------------------------
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three agreed to wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask
over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He
said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all
night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just
had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed
the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?

[north-eh]

Two drunks were talking in a bar and one said to the other "My kids are out running the streets everynight til 2 in the morning." The other drunk asked "What are they doing out so late?" The first one replies "Out looking for me!":biggrin:

N

[Wukong]

* * Q RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in
hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion
zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can
take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking
great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
while he flips the meat .

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And,
upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women

[StickyBeak]

Good One Wukong!

An Arm and a Leg

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
_________________

[StickyBeak]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Danielle said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Danielle knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Danielle, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Danielle said, 'You know, It's such a beautifu l day... We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Danielle turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed

by my wife,

my kids,

and dozens of my friends

and co-workers,

all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...







On the couch...







Naked.
_________________

[crazyrn]

18 PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm .

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

[workn2hard2day]

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said the new husband.
"Toast and juice," she replied.

[Tracker]

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEAT-MATES ON AN AIRPLANE

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Start up.
3. Make sure the guy who is annoying you can see the screen.
4. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips like you are praying.
5. Then hit this link.

http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

[kenobicat]

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.

The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.

Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

[Scully]

Hillary and Obama were on a boat. The boat sank.
Who got saved?????????







SCROLL



SCROLL






SCROLL




AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!

[Wukong]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way
home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's
birthday. He pulls over to a toy Shop and asks
the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's
in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean,
Sir? We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Ballerina Barbie For $19.95
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95
Skater Barbie for $19.95
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs,
and answers: "Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's
Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's nuts."

[Wukong]

THE SURGEONS:

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants
on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas says, "No, I really think librarians are
The best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers...those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington D.C., shut them all up when
he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and
the head and the *** are interchangeable."

[StickyBeak]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they
had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and innocently asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had
been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their
new home………….

.....including the curtain rods.

[Ronettess]

I can't help singing along with this one every time I hear it. Yesterday my DS played it on the computer every so often.....on the lowest volume..........just enough to make me think I was losing my mind or needed to see some kind of doctor. Would someone please join me for the day? Goofy head movements are required for max benefit:o

http://youtube.com/watch?v=V5BxymuiAxQ

[monica]

God's Problem Now

When the graveside service had no more than terminated,
there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by
a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

"Well, she's there."

[Wukong]

Two Ways to look at Everything.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Word!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[StickyBeak]

Apples & Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men dont want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that arent as good, but easy. The apples at the top think there is something wrong with them when in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men.....men are like a fine wine.......They begin as grapes and its up to women to stomp the chit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.....

[Wukong]

Senior dating

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...

a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner...

a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[Wukong]

NEW WINE FOR SENIORS

California vintners, in the Napa Valley area,
which primarily produces Pinot Blanc,
Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic

It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the bathroom
during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as.....

PINO MORE.

[PatC]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot- steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's gonna run for Congress.'

[Wukong]

:lol: Now that's funny.... sad, true, but funny!



A cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife.

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife, however, after reading this letter I hope you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight.

When the man came home late that night he found a reply of his letter on the
dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and like your secretary, he is 18 years old. You being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[north-eh]

Disorder in the courtroom:

Lawyer Q: Mame, how old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which!
Lawyer Q: Has long has he lived with you?
A: 45 yrs.


Lawyer Q: Mame, what was the first thing your husband said to
you when he woke up the next morning?
A: He said "Where am I Cathy:?
Q: And why would that upset you?
A: My name is Susan!

:biggrin:

N

[Jellah23]

International free hugs campaign.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6ZBuHsN-ms&feature=related

This was done all over the world...argentina, america, finland, norway, china, japan etc etc etc etc.

Here is a link to how it all started.

http://www.freehugscampaign.org/

HUGS!!



And here is one added for good measure, national pillow fight day :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHSyq_oLNSE&feature=related

[Luminata]

Watch this. Very poignant.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ervaMPt4Ha0



:rose: :patriot: :rose:

[Wukong]

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him
and never say its not quite as good as his mothers

...then buy a dog.


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...

...then buy a dog.


If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

...then buy a dog.


If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

..then buy a dog !

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care
if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if
every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually ..

...then buy a dog.



BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence
is solely to ensure his happiness .,


.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.



...then buy a cat!

Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?

[Wukong]

TIPS from the Redneck Book of Manners


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


Dining Out

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.


Entertaining In Your Home

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.


Personal Hygiene

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


Dating (outside the family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'


Weddings

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.


Driving Etiquette

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

[Scully]

Three rednecks were working on a cell phone tower. Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent Cooter slips and falls and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, dang, someone should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff. I'll do it.'

Two hours later he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie said, 'Where'd you get that beer Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me.' Donnie replies. 'That's unbelievable. You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly,' Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow.' She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Which goes to show that rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff. :D

[Land Shark®]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Land Shark®]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: ' What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

[StickyBeak]

Good one, LandShark :D


President George Bush said each one of us would
get a $600.00 tax rebate. It was previously slated to be
$800.00, but they dropped it to a $600.00 tax rebate
because of various budget problems.

Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart,
all the money will go to China, if we spend it on
computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India.

If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs
.....and none of these scenarios will help the American
economy.

We need to keep that money here in America .....so the
only way to keep that money here at home is to drink beer,
gamble, or spend it on prostitution. Currently it seems that
these are the only businesses still left in the U.S.

[Wukong]

Summer of '59


It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1959 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

'The Twist, dammit!...........It's called the Twist! '

[Wukong]

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember--


1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'.

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning; One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

[StickyBeak]

Redneck Birth control



After having their eleventh child, a couple from the country
named Bubba and Mary Sue decided that enough was enough,
(they couldn't afford a larger doublewide). So Bubba went
to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he
and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed
him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
Bubba later said to Mary Sue, "I may not be the smartest man,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to
Kentucky to get a second opinion. The physician was just
about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when
he noticed they were from Tennessee. The doctor instead told
the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it
in a beer can, hold it up to his ear and count to ten.
Figgerin' that BOTH learned physicians couldn't be wrong, Bubba
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...",
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and resumed counting on his other hand.

[Passions44]

I was having trouble with my computer.

So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like
Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric............

[Wukong]

What better way to start the week than with a new joke.....Happy belated mother's day!

Underwear dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ..'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

[Wukong]

High urinals


A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

[StickyBeak]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[Wukong]

Worth repeating....I love this one:


New terror alerts

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved.' Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross.' Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody Nuisance.' The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was during the great fire of1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide.' The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate.' The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing.' Two more levels remain 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides.'

The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.' They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor’ and 'Lose'.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[Wukong]

As long as we're in Texas.....


A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....

Your card! Show him your card!

[north-eh]

Teacher: Maria, please go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered North America?
Class: Maria!

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on
the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables!

N

[Land Shark®]

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped."The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

[Wukong]

You're a Genius...Trust Me!


If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,


'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,


'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
-- Dan Quayle
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,


'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,


'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?

[Land Shark®]

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''

[Wukong]

CATHOLIC GASOLINE

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency,
was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients
when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it,
a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy
some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can
he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until
it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait, and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas, and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street.
One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it
starts, I'm turning Catholic."

[Wukong]

Dave is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. “Jeez”, he wondered aloud “whatever happened to this parrot?”

The parrot says, “ I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”

“Sheesh” Dave replies “You can talk! Oh boy!”

“Of course, I happen to be a highly intelligent bird!”

“Oh yeah? Then how do you hang on to your perch without any feet?”

“This is so embarrassing” the Parrot says, “but since you ask, I wrap my weenie around the wooden bar like a hook, you can’t see it because of my feathers.”

“Wow” says Dave. “You really can speak and understand English!”

I can converse on almost any topic. You really ought to buy me I’d be a great companion.”

Dave buys the parrot and brings him home. The parrot is sensational! He has a great sense of humor. He’s interesting, insightful and a great pal.

Dave comes home from work one night and the parrot whispers in his ear.

“I don’t know if I should tell you this, it’s about your wife and the postman.”

“What the heck are you talking about?” Demands Dave.

“When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door wearing her best sexy nightie.”

“What???” Dave asks. “Then what happened?”

“Well, then the postman came right into the house, lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over” reported the parrot.

“No!” exclaims Dave. “And she let him?”

"Yes. Then he continued to take off her nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over…”

Dave, the poor frantic guy demands, “Then what happened?”

“Damned if I know. I got a hard on and fell off my perch!”

[Wukong]

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[Land Shark®]

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know $hit?"

[Wukong]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'

She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Sandra?, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Mary, what seems to be the rush?' The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her azz in it.'

[workn2hard2day]

:lol:


A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, ' This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'

[Wukong]

:lol: Another good one...thanks workn.



Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield - because he said . ..


My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.


It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!


Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.


A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
over. Nobody was home!


A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.


If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.


I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself
now.'


I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when
you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.


I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.


My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.


I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.


The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'


My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.


I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling..


My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.


My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.


My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I
wouldn't of had anything to play with.

[Wukong]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my golf clubs?'

HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: 'sh*t!'

[Scully]

Wukong, where do you get these? :D I go this in an email and that last joke reminded me of it.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kid s, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store

just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Wukong]

Hey Scully...I get these in my email, mostly from a classmate of mine. She sends me the best jokes...thanks Millie!

Here's another from Millie:



A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE!

[Scully]

I didn't know whether to post this one in the garden thread or here!

The Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

[Wukong]

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the
results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug
store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds,
'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets
the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel
around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How
old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ' Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how
could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's.'

[Bonzo]

Father dog thought that it was time to teach Son dog the facts of life. They went for a long walk together. Soon Father dog spotted a bone lying in the grass and told Son dog to eat from it now as you never know when you might go hungry. They ate from the bone and they walked on.

Soon they approached a puddle of water and Father dog said Son you need to drink from this puddle now as you never know when you'll go thirsty. They drank from the puddle and walked on.

Then they noticed a little girl dog on their path and Father dog said son you need to do your thing with that little gal as you never know when this opportunity will present itself again. So they did their thing with the little gal and walked on.

Eventually they passed a fire hydrant. Father dog stopped, lifted his leg, deposited on it and walked on without saying anything.

Son dog asked his father why he'd done that and not said anything afterward.

Father dog said Son that brings us to the lesson of the day. If you can't eat it, can't drink it, and can't screw it then pis on it.

Bon

[tulpje]

Bad web site names.

1. Who Represents, where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views. www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island. www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder. www.therapistfinder.com

5. Italian Power Generator company. www.powergenitalia.com

6. Mole Station Native Nursery. www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software. www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church. www.cummingfirst.com

9. The designers at Speed of Art await you. www.speedofart.com

[History Buff]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egCeIwjIuZM

[Wukong]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, '*. J. Titsenbeer'

[Wukong]

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on
the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of
each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.


They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her Mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.


When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how
she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.


The little girl proudly replied , 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'


'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'


The little girl replied, 'I will, if those azz holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin' sheet rock.'

[n/t]

For dog lovers :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0jNC_w1tSw

[workn2hard2day]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath;

Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

[incognito]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, Their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
Knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, Knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
Sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John And delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that o ne!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
And knocked her out of her chair.

[incognito]

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[workn2hard2day]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'

[workn2hard2day]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can't possibly be mine! 'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.

This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.' 'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex? The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year.

We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'

[annalyzer]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVNTdWbVBgc&eurl=http://helpfindthemissing.org/forum/showthread.php?t=5312&page=18

[StickyBeak]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without
noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.



Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston ....a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love: I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS ....... Sure is hot down here!!

[workn2hard2day]

Three guys died in an accident and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"

So they entered heaven and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally stepped on one.

Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".

The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.

The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any duck. But one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.

The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[workn2hard2day]

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so Mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

[Spectorfan8]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lJQ-R6X8uw


It's a happy little song from Discovery.

[islandgirl36542]

this is a funny video from a local ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWbjSnU1OCM&fmt=18





:seeya:

[monica]

Time Enough At Last

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LyhtEEwzAc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r05J4itOOYI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrMmIO9z_GA&feature=related

My favorite Twilight Zone!

[Wukong]

Now them's some funny jokes :lol:


The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up . The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living chit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry azz into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.


The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs

[Land Shark®]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[workn2hard2day]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=G3NueKXS6dk

She chooses to come home after playing the the hippos down the river.

[ExArkie]

I LOVE U-Tube! Where else can I get the music from Les Mis whenever I want to look. Also, Hallelujah. Absolutely beautiful! Just stay away from the porn!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuffHRacZMQ&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2NEU6Xf7lM

[bchand]

Here's a GOOD magician.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chvsqMgPKhk


How do they do that?

[Maranatha]

This is a new commercial for the Washington State Lottery. So, unless you live here, you won't see it.

Its just adorable! I guarantee watching it will make you smile!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=BFEgvvvY8Sk&feature=related

Just want to share it. :seeya:

Enjoy your weekend!

[RiverWalk]

My favorite commercial EVER.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoxxix0QQdU

AND ...... let's not forget:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLGaNDCIy_k&feature=related

:patriot: :patriot: :patriot:

[Spyder88]

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at an Arkansas ranch and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water
allocation. The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....



'Your card! Show him your card!'

:biggrin:


I'M FROM THE GOVERNMENT AND I'M JUST HERE TO HELP!!

[Wukong]

I am happy to see the jokes thread back. I guess it needed a little cleaning up!

Here are a few "Southernisms" sent to me by my colleagues in Jonesboro Arkansas:


1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

4. Have a cup of coffee - It's already been 'saucered and blowed.'

5. It's so dry; the trees are bribing the dogs.

6. My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull today.

7. He's as country as cornflakes.

8. This is gooder'n grits.

9. Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

10. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

11. I'm 'bout as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

12. Notice to Northerners moving south:

a. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

*. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean southern folk can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

c. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the
cab of a four-wheel-drive pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

d. You can ask southern folk for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

e. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All
y'all's" is plural possessive.

f. Get used to hearing, "Y'all ain't from 'round here, are ya?"

g. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.

h. The first southern folk expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as in big ol truck," or "big ol boy." "Fixin" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to he store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.

i. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone
directly in the middle of the road, remember: most southern folks
learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

j. If you hear southern folk exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" --
get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

k Most southern folk do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

l. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
alone eating.

m. The wardrobe you always brought out in Sept. can wait until Dec....if there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.

n. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is positioned directly in front of the trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

13. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin" is a valid
defense.

[workn2hard2day]

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star


* get your drunk a$$ of the merry go round *

[Wukong]

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.


Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.


Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.


"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning AND YOU DON'T!"

[Wukong]

Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the
man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way
(being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the
donkey go was to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop was to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on
the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.
"Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode
off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As
he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to
make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept
going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!" shouted the man. The
donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and
closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer: "Please,
dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the
end of this mountain. In Jesus' name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the
edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

[Keno]

Candy Dulfer - For The Love Of You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk_xtz_J91M

Female jazz saxophone artist Candy Dulfer and her Funk band perform "For The Love Of You" at the 1998 Montreux Jazz Festival.


I love jazz music and I am a fan of Candy Dulfer's.

[Keno]

Sheila E & Candy Dulfer - glamourous life (live)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z73MoZV6Otc


Very cool video

[Keno]

Now, this is very cool.


Prince at Harvel in redondo beach ca
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RqCrtWckkI

[Keno]

I thought I'd share where I live - Someone made this and I thought it was a great idea for people who have been away for a long time.

I'm debating on making a video of the old stomping grounds and putting it up on YouTube.


What is Life
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-421do-axk

Feelin' a little homesick...

[Keno]

Cat Lover's...this is cute.

Attila communicating with aliens
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEv6XCPeqy0

[Wukong]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street
when a masked Robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily The babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the
bullets in because it Was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a Healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in Tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and
this bullet Came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! Came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what
happened 16 years Ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's
okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog.'

[StickyBeak]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SPEEDING IN TENNESSEE
1) Good:
A Knoxville, TN policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP
AHEAD'. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' . . . And a bucket full of money.
(And as kids, we used to just sell lemonade!)
2) Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an Automated
radar post in Nashville, TN. A $40 speeding ticket was Included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
3) Absolute Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Tennessee State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.' He
replied 'Tennessee State Troopers don't have Balls.' There
was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just
said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was
laughing too hard to start her car.......
_________________

[EGirl]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZaCZspocIRo

Ron White on Jay Leno ROFLMAO!

[Not Telling]

Too cute by half...
http://www.flickr.com/photos/southbayhiker/2570070814/
(This is a video clip)


Just too funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKsPJbfZtcE&feature=related


Incredible!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAc-5kNWPd0

[Not Telling]

A couple of my favorite commercials...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSVEcneQMd0


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_IlPWIzFH4

[Not Telling]

Baby and bubbles....
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/134519/baby_bubbles/


Patches the horse...
http://gprime.net/video.php/patchesthehorse


This is the most beautiful and loving video I've ever seen.... It's a bit long but well worth the time....
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=-4627561060403139105

[PatC]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... 'Not with a carnation.'

[Rockford2]

An oldie but a gem!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrTVwosqCxw

Keep The Fire....Kenny Loggins

[Wukong]

The Love Story Of Ralph And Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I
go home?'

[Wukong]

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds: "I'll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick"
The teacher said, Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

A little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, It was St.Andrew."
The teacher replied, I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally,a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I'll give you the $10.

As the teacher was given Marvin his money,she said, "You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish I was very surprise you said 'Jesus Christ'."

Marvin replied, "Yeah, in my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business."

[StickyBeak]

Mysterious Universe

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"


And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

[Wukong]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[kenobicat]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno

[Wukong]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, 'Well... It was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'

[Spyder88]

Ernest and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Ernest didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Ernest hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Ernest lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Ernest, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Ernest! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Ernest, what in the world happened to you?'

Ernest replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Ernest said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

'The dang judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

[ExArkie]

You don't have to like politics to love this video. Really funny and if you watch past the end, they tell you how to attach your face to it. I just love this!!

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/webscout/2008/07/hot-trends-wa-4.html
:patriot:

[FrankieBones1]

This is the funniest ad I've seen on YouTube in a long time.

How a butterfly destroyed my house.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8hSCBTNRRg

[FrankieBones1]

The National Anthem at its finest....Done by a small group of young girls.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKCVS57j284

[FrankieBones1]

Originally posted by gorbal
Hallelujah is one of my favorite songs.

I don't know if people on here like these amv's, but this is the best one I have ever seen.-

Link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39tATYb41bM) [/*]

I found the song done by a woman named Kate V. It is awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v22NMAG1k18

[FrankieBones1]

I have listened to about a dozen different artists sing Hallelujah but this next one is the sweetest. She is only eleven years old but her voice is angelic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brW9EBBeBpk&feature=related

[Wukong]

A handful of 7 year old children were asked ' what they thought of beer.'

...........................
7 year old Tim- ' I think beer must be good. My dad says the more
beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Melanie - ' Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch
what we want on television when he is asleep so beer is nice.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny
when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties but Dad doesn't
think this is very funny.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Toby - ' My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer
and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other which
is a good thing.'
------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also
wets his pants sometimes so he shouldn't have too much.
------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Lilly - ' My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks the
better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'

------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Ethan - ' I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad
drinks it he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'

------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Shirley - ' I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Jack - ' My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and
picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and
tells him to go bury his bone down the street again but that doesn't
make any sense.'

[Wukong]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

[ExArkie]

Originally posted by FrankieBones1
I have listened to about a dozen different artists sing Hallelujah but this next one is the sweetest. She is only eleven years old but her voice is angelic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brW9EBBeBpk&feature=related [/*]

Since I consider this one of the few really great ADULT songs, I was all set to dislike it done by a girl so young. She is a talented singer - no doubt about that!

Does anyone know where she was performing this song? Was it a competition of some sort?

[Wukong]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick ".

[Wukong]

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but could not bring herself to write the word 'toilet' in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term 'Bathroom Commode.' Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally, she decided on the abbreviation '*.C.' and wrote, "Does your campground have its own 'BC'?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he could not figure out what she meant by '*.C.' He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper, which referred to a Baptist Church. Therefore, he sent this reply:

Dear Madam,
The *.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt, you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday,
Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them.

Unfortunately, my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It has been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there


John

[Land Shark®]

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

[Wukong]

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan . Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes".

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $20.00".

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine hand a sign that read, "This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents".

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later the machine shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit..............which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

[monica]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=VDtWm4rRaq8

Aretha Franklin - Until You Come Back to Me

[Wukong]

A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at shop full of
customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill,follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn`t come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" .. Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

[Spyder88]

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someo ne that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

:seeya:

[Luminata]

She Never Cried In Front Of Me (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Mmwguog9S4)

Toby Keith

[ExArkie]

Originally posted by FrankieBones1
Amazing! I used to listen to Cohen in the early 70's. I never heard of this song until the long haired kid did it on American Idol. I'd love to see that on YouTube, too. [/*]

Here you go!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkKhILGV-V4

[Wukong]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

[Wukong]

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous Destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'

[Wukong]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came

[Wukong]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokey Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started

[Wukong]

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple,
preparing for a religious wedding
meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions
before they leave.

The man asks,
"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men,
and women to dance with women at the reception.
But, we'd like your permission to dance together,
like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi.
"It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony
I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi.
"It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man,
"What about sex?
Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi.
"Sex is a mitzvah
a good thing within marriage,
to have children!"

"What about different positions?"
asks the man

"No problem," says the rabbi
"It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi.
" It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

" A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets
with a bottle of hot oil,
a couple of vibrators,
a leather harness,
a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It's too much like dancing!"

[Escalade]

VERY POLITICALLY INCORRECT, but kinda funny....

A male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine,
inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this,
she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department
and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks,
'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'

The woman replies, 'Its Keith, the dwarf.'