JOKES,VIDEOS, U TUBE, POEMS, & ONLINE GAMES [links only please] [Archive] - Page 2

Wukong

08-03-2008, 10:09 PM

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him
Outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

"I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

"But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

Wukong

08-04-2008, 10:19 PM

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with
Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top O the mornin'to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I
marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'

She replied,'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, ' And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle
for ye and yer hoosband.

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, ' Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how
are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Wukong

08-06-2008, 09:56 PM

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him:

'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.

jessie50

08-07-2008, 08:10 PM

Watch the whole thing, it gets better and better.

http://thescooterscoop.blogspot.com/2008/06/video-japanese-for-motorcycle-safety.html

Wukong

08-07-2008, 10:13 PM

This is serious stuff, folks.... beer contains female hormones!

Last month Mississippi State University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens); therefore, by drinking enough beer, men can turn into women!

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down to urinate.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Send this to all the men you know to warn them against drinking too much beer!

Wukong

08-08-2008, 02:10 AM

I live in Taiwan, Scooter capitol of the world!

Here's a video of rush hour scooter traffic in Taipei:

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=PZF2lWk2KFM&feature=related

kenobicat

08-08-2008, 10:00 AM

Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this
morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

Wukong

08-09-2008, 11:35 PM

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?'
She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

ExArkie

08-10-2008, 12:34 PM

I just happened to come across this song on an old movie channel last night. IMHO, this is the most powerful song I've ever heard about mass hysteria and seduction. Begins so beautifully, too!!:(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdM8PDu6VMg

Tracker

08-10-2008, 02:24 PM

Texas Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to

the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer! during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - TEX 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3 He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Wukong

08-11-2008, 10:24 PM

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
__________________________________________________ ______________________
FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood .' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
_________________________ ___ ____________________________________________
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
__________________________________________________ _____________________
LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
__________________________________________________ _____________________
OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
__________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
__________________________________________________ _____________________
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know th at we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

Wukong

08-12-2008, 10:01 PM

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission

In the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Wukong

08-13-2008, 10:00 PM

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to His friends.

Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?'

Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.'

'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.

'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.

She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The
Conductore, he waga is finger again and say,

'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'

'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.

We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka Through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...

'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

'Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka DA bus.

Wukong

08-14-2008, 03:53 AM

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked.. 'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Wukong

08-18-2008, 09:57 PM

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband
Although very much in love , couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a Beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You
Know....they have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets , mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing,
Dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN CHIT! SIT YOUR AZZ DOWN, SHUT THE HE11 UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED AZZ ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT CHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKAZZ?'

And...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP

Wukong

08-21-2008, 01:24 AM

A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.

The man picks up a case of beer and sticks it into the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.

'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies...'so does 24 cans of beer, and it's only half the price!'

Wukong

08-21-2008, 10:07 PM

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she
always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know
that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains
to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going
upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid biotch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat azz downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

SilSal

08-24-2008, 09:26 AM

I hope:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wli0VjOmabU

barskin&co.

08-24-2008, 09:12 PM

Just some music. Has anyone watched the show "Damages?" It's a great show with Glenn Close as a powerful, cut-throat lawyer. I went crazy trying to find the theme song "When I Get Through With You," and here it is, the band, The VLA's, MySpace page. It has a video of the super cool show opening credits and 4 of ther songs.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=70297794

Wukong

08-25-2008, 11:23 PM

Apparantly there is a cartoon woman named Maxine that makes the email rounds, handing out advice to women about men. A woman friend of mine just sent me this...it's the male answer to Maxine.

Here it is! Men's answer to Maxine.

MAX!

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you!
-- ------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men!
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
----------------- -- ------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to
the select few women who can handle the truth!

Wukong

08-27-2008, 12:53 AM

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand and even electronically.

This virus is called "Weary Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever, DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE) and "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter" (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until
WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

kenobicat

08-27-2008, 09:00 PM

Doctor to man- "I've got some bad news and some really bad news.
Man."Oh Dear! What's the really bad news Doc?"
Doctor."You've got Aids".
Man."Hell Doc, what's the bad news?".
Doctor."You've got Alzheimers".
Man."Well Doc it could have been worse, I could have had Aids!"

Wukong

08-27-2008, 10:27 PM

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1967.
WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT AZZ, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BIOTCH ASKED

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

kenobicat

08-28-2008, 05:48 PM

A rabbi, a priest and a bishop go into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Wukong

08-28-2008, 10:15 PM

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive, aging woman.

My name is Wally. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Kim. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Kim to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club and watch the lingerie show, so eating out is not a reasonable solution. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I think another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, right? So I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Kim. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Wally

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Wally died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club imbedded up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Kim was arrested and charged with Wally's demise. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wally somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

kenobicat

08-29-2008, 09:54 AM

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and
asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you
did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what
you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under
those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

StickyBeak

08-29-2008, 10:17 AM

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.

StickyBeak

08-29-2008, 10:25 AM

Sears Catalog

Two Scandinavian young men from up in Minnesooooota were looking at a
Sears catalog and admiring the models.

Ole says to the Sven, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this
price, I'm buying one."

Sven smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's
as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, Sven man asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the
girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes
yesterday!"

Wukong

09-03-2008, 01:29 AM

In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern

started a building to open up their business.

The local Baptist church started a campaign of petitions

and prayers to block the bar from opening.

Work progressed, however right up till the week

before opening, when lightning struck the bar

and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook

after that, till the bar owner sued the church on

the grounds that the church was ultimately

responsible for the demise of his building, either

through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility

or any connection to the building's demise

in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court,

the judge looked over the paperwork.

At the hearing he commented,

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this,

but as it appears from the paperwork,

we have a bar owner who believes

in the power of prayer, and an entire

church congregation that doesn't."

Wukong

09-03-2008, 10:22 PM

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia , they sure as he11 ain't doin' it to Alabama.

Wukong

09-05-2008, 06:04 AM

*TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE*

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind; back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three Thousand
times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Wukong

09-07-2008, 10:19 PM

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3 .. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's third-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at Starbucks at 8:30 am wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH'.

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Tracker

09-10-2008, 09:43 AM

http://www.inews3.com/topstory.php?id=546f6d7c57696c736f6e

This is neat. Watch the news clip and when it's over, you or anyone you know can become the nominee. Enjoy.:seeya:

Wukong

09-11-2008, 03:53 AM

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

Unfortunately, there is a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a
while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am there are $20 bills
falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Shoot!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next
to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game,
a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower
beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I
say,"$20 or off it comes!"

"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the
way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady,....."not everybody pays!"

incidentally

09-11-2008, 10:35 AM

Received this in an email:

The next time someone asks you a dumb question, wouldn't you like to respond like this ? ? ?

Yesterday, I was at PetsMart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Angel the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her, "No, I don't have a dog. I am starting the Purina Diet again."

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I-V's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets. Then you simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, that I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. PetsMart won't let me shop there any more.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say!

Wukong

09-11-2008, 10:22 PM

If you receive an email entitled 'Bedtimes'
Delete it IMMEDIATELY.

Do not open it.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards!

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your beer!

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table
when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the 'Bedtimes' message opened in a Windows 95/98 or Windows XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!

starling

09-14-2008, 10:20 AM

SNL parody:Sarah Palin & Hillary Clinton.
Tina Fey is amazing as Palin IMO
http://www.prefixmag.com/forum/prefix-forum/2800/

kenobicat

09-15-2008, 07:30 PM

The Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

Wukong

09-15-2008, 11:35 PM

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my
kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his
wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's
teacher.'

kenobicat

09-16-2008, 10:30 AM

A guy goes into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

Wukong

09-16-2008, 10:14 PM

A guy is 65 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,'Pick me up'. He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said,'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

Wukong

09-18-2008, 12:23 AM

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little baztards!'

barskin&co.

09-18-2008, 07:15 AM

And, now....cats.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANU7Jwa9kEE

mood*ring

09-18-2008, 04:44 PM

Dont know if this has been posted yet, but I laugh harder and harder the more I see it.

Bobby Butronic - perfect date.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ets0xkUk17Y

Wukong

09-18-2008, 10:47 PM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through ATM machines enabling
customers to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research,
MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for
your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on
to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access
to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary
with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register
and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Wukong

09-21-2008, 09:51 PM

Cowboy: 'That your dog?'

Indian: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'Mind if I speak to him?'

Indian: 'Dog no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'

Dog: 'Doin' all right.'

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: 'Is this Indian your owner?' (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Indian: 'Horse no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool.'

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.'

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Indian: 'Sheep lie!'

IcyLogic

09-22-2008, 08:03 AM

The full song from the Ipod ad.... girl has a great voice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLG9DheSh-c

Wukong

09-22-2008, 10:16 PM

Little Connie came into the kitchen where her mother was
making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a
good time to tell her mother what she wanted. " Mom , I want a bike for my birthday."

Now, Little Connie was a bit of a troublemaker.
She had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Connie's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to
get a bike for her birthday. Little Connie, of course, thought she did.

Connie's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to
reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God
and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Connie
stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would
like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Connie

Connie knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very
good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:
This is your friend Connie. I have been a pretty good
girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Connie

Connie knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the
letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very
sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send m! e a red bike for my
birthday.
Thank you,
Connie

Connie knew, even if it was true, this letter was not
going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went
downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Connie's
mother thought her plan had worked because Connie looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Connie walked down the street to the church and up to
the altar. She looked around to se e if anyone was there. She picked up
a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of
the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She
shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MOMMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND
THE BIKE.
Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

Wukong

09-24-2008, 02:39 AM

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.' The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.' The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.' 'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'

Wukong

09-24-2008, 09:52 PM

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks
her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of
the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'OK, Get in the car with it.'
The wife says, 'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'
'But what about the smell?' said the wife.
'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene ...

Wukong

09-26-2008, 01:02 AM

BEST 'HEADACHE' JOKE EVER

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'

'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering little Elvis with aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

kenobicat

09-27-2008, 06:10 PM

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a specialring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man
stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

All seniors aren't senile.

Keno

09-28-2008, 07:52 PM

I was just about to send money to them until I found this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ev18KkNdmR4

Wukong

09-30-2008, 02:34 AM

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling azz-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You're doing very well ... only two left!'

Smoof

09-30-2008, 02:20 PM

This video was shot from a dash camera mounted in a WalMart truck, the driver of the truck apparently only had his CDL license for 9 days.

They didn't find the body of his co-driver in the wreck till later.

This is what happens when you let a truck get going too fast on a bad downhill grade.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsl5Uf-OuGs

Wukong

09-30-2008, 10:36 PM

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure,
one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped
its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant . . .

confusedeasily

10-01-2008, 06:26 PM

The Bored Man

There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, "Why the long face, Ralph?"

"Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me."

His friend says, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?"

He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?"

He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president.Ralph says, "Sure, we go way back." This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.

His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. "Well, there must be someone that you don't know." He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, he's a Protestant.'

But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend desides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction.

So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in the Papal square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.

Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. "What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?"

"No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger standing next to me who said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'"

Wukong

10-02-2008, 01:30 AM

During a visit to the mental Hospital, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would just pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

islandgirl36542

10-02-2008, 05:16 PM

AP-Tuscaloosa - Authorities arrested Alabama head coach Nick Saban in the predawn hours Monday at his home in Tuscaloosa on animal cruelty charges. Saban, 56, was charged with 85 counts of animal cruelty in an alleged attack which occurred Saturday night in Athens , Georgia . Police said that as many as 92,138 witnesses saw Saban and a large group of violent young men under his control hit, kick, crush and destroy a large pack of mostly-docile bulldogs.

One officer was quoted as saying, "I haven't seen bulldogs treated this badly since the Michael Vick case."

RTR

Ionmhainn

10-02-2008, 08:37 PM

http://www.last.fm/music/Runrig/_/Precious+Years

The Precious Years.....

StickyBeak

10-02-2008, 09:14 PM

Blondes/Texas Highway Patrol

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and
said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,

'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to
notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as
scars and so forth.'

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds. 'Now, ' he said, 'did you
notice any distinguishing features about this man?'

The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'

The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye
in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!'

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, 'What about you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'

'Yes! He only has one ear!'

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but...' He flashed the photo
in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'

The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses .'

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're
absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could
you tell that by looking at his picture? '

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye
and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'

Spyder88

10-03-2008, 06:12 PM

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying b*stard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

:tongue:

Wukong

10-05-2008, 11:13 PM

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only
To discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
Step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
More and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Kentuckian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Kentuckian smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.

workn2hard2day

10-06-2008, 08:11 PM

this is a great video clip! I love how people come together sing the anthem.

http://videos.komando.com/2008/10/05/

(lots of other great clips on this site as well.)

RiverWalk

10-06-2008, 09:12 PM

Awwwwwwww. That was GREAT how the crowd started singing along. BRAVO.

Here's my favorite (in person) singing of our Nat'l Anthem at a Spurs game. These Cactus Cuties (ages 8-13) brought the house down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rymuwpvxng

Wukong

10-07-2008, 12:43 AM

It's hell getting old...

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep. None of us could get the jar open.'

Wukong

10-09-2008, 06:46 AM

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs, too.”

incidentally

10-09-2008, 03:44 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dhkm6sgPdtk&feature=related

ExArkie

10-09-2008, 04:53 PM

Some days, the French can be a "pain;" hammer but, this scene from "Casablanca" just can't be beat! Their anthem is inspiring - especially, if you know it's history!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iYbEPZVVIA

BorderCollieMom

10-10-2008, 12:02 PM

<all names & numbers are fake>

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!

I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"

And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 722-4822.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front. I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jerk!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front.

Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked o be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said,

"We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"

Wukong

10-13-2008, 01:10 AM

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says
to the secretary, 'I would like to join this dam church.'

]The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your
pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'

'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this
dam church!'

' I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this church.'
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the
pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor
agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul
language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks
the old geezer, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem
here?'

'There is no dam problem,' the man says.
'I just won $200 million bucks in the dam lottery and I want to join
this dam church to get rid of some of this dam money. '

'I see,' said the pastor. 'And is this
b*tch giving you a hard time?'

kenobicat

10-13-2008, 03:02 PM

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

NUMBER 4: 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

NUMBER 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

NUMBER 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?

NUMBER 1 And MY all time Favorite: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) '... In Jesus' name, Amen

Ionmhainn

10-19-2008, 08:22 PM

I came across this while browsing on YouTube...stick with it for the unexpected! So much fun that I watched it several times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KA2B5X0LhMY&feature=related

Wukong

10-20-2008, 10:14 PM

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach
when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in
a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have been
such a good man and have been so faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii
so I can ride over to paradise anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
There are enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking: the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it
would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
for worldly things. I suggest you take a little more time
and wish for something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
our wives and girlfriends. I want to know how she feels,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries for no reason, what she
means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I
can make a woman really happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

RiverWalk

10-21-2008, 06:42 PM

See if you can spot the crocodile in the water?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGPBcEkLgto&feature=related

barskin&co.

10-21-2008, 07:08 PM

The amazing 13 year old Aimi Kobayoshi playing Mozart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32gsiqbjbk8&feature=rec-fresh
ETA: She is 13 years old today. She was a little younger in this video.

barskin&co.

10-21-2008, 07:12 PM

Aimi Kobayashi again, this time at age 4!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32gsiqbjbk8&feature=rec-fresh

Wukong

10-21-2008, 10:06 PM

The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this? ...

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Sheriff the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.

Sara6000

10-23-2008, 12:08 AM

I so enjoy reading this thread. :D

Two older gentlemen met at a park every morning to walk, sit and observe, feed the birds and what have you.

One morning, one of the gentlemen enthusiastically said to the other, "I got a new hearing aid yesterday and I simply cannot believe the difference from my old one! I can hear the birds singing, children playing, the wind rustling the trees leaves, it's amazing!"

His friend asked, "What kind is it?"

To which he replied, "About quarter to four."

Wukong

10-23-2008, 02:08 AM

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her
daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get
back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know
anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have
someone for you to meet." So they met and it was an
immediate hit.They took to one another and after dating for
six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a
romantic hotel.

Their first night there, she undressed as did he.There she
stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was
in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why
the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is
yours to explore, but down there I am still in
mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following
night was the same-- she stood there wearing the black
panties, and he was in his birthday suit-- but now he was
wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked:
"What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

incidentally

10-23-2008, 02:38 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXf2PbEPQ-Y&feature=related

STYX - Show Me the Way

starling

10-23-2008, 09:32 PM

Free Hugs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Ionmhainn

10-24-2008, 01:36 AM

This young boy really touched my heart. Worth watching all 3 videos for his story, imo. :)

Andrew Johnston, age 13, audition:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1Q9Ckra6vY

Tears In Heaven:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6Nh2vrX1Gs

Final:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyHuNnIdp64&feature=related

(Moved me to tears. Beautiful)

(Simon almost seems like a different person!!)

Ionmhainn

10-25-2008, 01:51 AM

:biggrin:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tITtR0XVA6w&mode=related&search=

islandgirl36542

10-26-2008, 04:28 PM

Leprechaun in Mobile, Alabama

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8

incidentally

10-26-2008, 09:11 PM

Lol. Baby giving the evil look

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5ALIL7T764&feature=related

Spyder88

10-27-2008, 02:47 PM

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basics. 'How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say. The nurseputs me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. 'Of course it's high!' I scream. 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac. :mad:

Spyder88

10-27-2008, 08:44 PM

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2008/evolution-of-wedding-dance-p1.php?nwsltr=47

Wukong

10-27-2008, 10:38 PM

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at
60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be
silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over
at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for
once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth
shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on,
but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license
out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's been drinking.'

islandgirl36542

10-29-2008, 01:30 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vxTW4qK8-M&feature=related

Spyder88

10-29-2008, 02:03 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vxTW4qK8-M&feature=related

:lol::lol:

Wukong

10-31-2008, 02:09 AM

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable
to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one
day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam
was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For
crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' ..

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Wukong

11-04-2008, 12:58 AM

For Sale

Complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica
45 volumes for $1,000

Reason for sale: Got married last week; Wife knows everything.

islandgirl36542

11-04-2008, 08:21 AM

A Two-Story Outhouse.....

http://i35.tinypic.com/11j8ykg.png

:patriot:

pebblepup

11-05-2008, 02:32 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNkVtoQxZyE

pebblepup

11-05-2008, 02:38 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0eINGyJHz8

theal3

11-08-2008, 01:49 AM

Are you a Baby Boomer? Say age 45-65?

http://oldfortyfives.com/TakeMeBackToTheFifties.htm
http://moreoldfortyfives.com/TakeMeBackToTheSixties.htm

Ionmhainn

11-11-2008, 07:54 PM

:patriot: Navy Carrier Squadron :patriot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqaWdkdFb3Y

RiverWalk

11-18-2008, 02:22 PM

Who needs pockets? :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwK3tLz9O4k

Wukong

11-19-2008, 01:08 AM

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things,
a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground.

The directions said To place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Wukong

11-20-2008, 12:48 AM

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After
the plane was airborne drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a
whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He
replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me
too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Wukong

11-21-2008, 12:34 AM

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the
beaches on Montego Bay , Jamaica .

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.'
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.
'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ,'explained the man.

'We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona , and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's
horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the
horse and quietly said, 'That's once.''

'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again.
Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile
when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a
revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.'

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman!
Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you crazy?!?'
She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment... we have lived happily every after.'

kingpin

11-22-2008, 08:47 PM

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
____________ _________ _________ _________

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as
• Romance 9.5
• Personal Attention 6.5
and then installed undesirable programs such as
• NBA 5.0,
• NFL 3.0
• Golf Clubs 4.1
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
• Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
• Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
• If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
• Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
• Cooking 3.0 and
• Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support

Adalena935

11-23-2008, 01:36 AM

Question: Why did the turkey cross the road?

Answer: It was the chicken's day off.

Wukong

11-24-2008, 09:07 PM

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to
your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of
his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the
brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are
standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their
thumbs

Wukong

11-25-2008, 02:40 AM

Her Diary:

Tonight I thought my pilot boyfriend was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T. V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came up, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, it was okay but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep while I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Made the worst landing of my life today, but at least I got laid.

Scully

11-25-2008, 12:07 PM

Anyone who observed the media during the election has got to get this one!
-------------------------------------------------------

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into
the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket
and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her
screaming parents.
> >
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the
lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her
terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
> >
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter
addressing the biker says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave
thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”

The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt
right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.
I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's
paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a
living
and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.” The
journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys The New York
Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions and reads, on the
front page:
> >
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

Thanks!!! ;) AP

Wukong

11-25-2008, 10:50 PM

Ahhhhh ... The joys of having Girls..... My mother taught me to read
when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the
bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box
in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in
the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden
me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special
occasions.' (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months......
It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up
my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us
while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my
uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his
wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared
with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she
saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex
napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had
even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the
other adults into further fits of laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they
were for special occasions!!!

Pass this on to your girlfriends who need
a good laugh or anyone who has a daughter! Life is too short for drama &
petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive
quickly....and for heaven's sake, use the good napkins whenever you can!

RiverWalk

11-28-2008, 06:51 PM

A boy and his dog. Awwwwwwwwwww.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_EZDBVuOk4

Wukong

11-30-2008, 10:16 PM

A husband is at home watching a
football game when his wife interrupts,
'honey,
could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now'.
He looks at her an d says angrily,
'fix the lights now?
Does it look like i have
ge written on my forehead?
I don't think so'.
Fine,
then the wife asks,
'well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right '
to which he replied,
'fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have westinghouse
written on my forehead?
I don't think so'.
'fine', she says
'then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door?
They are about to break '
'i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps'.
He says, 'does it look like i have
ace hardware written on my forehead?
I don't think so
i've had enough of you.
I'm going to the bar!!!! '
so he goes to the bar and drinks for a
couple of hours..................................
He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home
as he walks into the house, he notices
that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the
hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.
'honey', he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
she said, 'well, when you left i sat
outside and cried.
J ust then a nice young man asked me
what was wrong, and i told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and
all i had to do was either
go to bed with him or bake a cake'.
He said,
'so what kind of cake did you bake?'
she replied,
'hellooooo..
Do you see betty crocker written
on my forehead?

pebblepup

12-03-2008, 11:08 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRgr9h2iO40&feature=related

Love you, girly! :)

Sara6000

12-03-2008, 12:48 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLYvoQhHQXs&feature=related

FDInLaw

12-03-2008, 01:45 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hnr72gZlTzs

Cornblossom

12-03-2008, 02:58 PM

For my Good friend Sara:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKLHbIwDpB4

:seeya:

FDInLaw

12-03-2008, 03:50 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mjruvE310Y

theal3

12-05-2008, 02:41 AM

Here's a brain, mind teaser:

Is Japanese. *The numbers are our own 0-9.* ** This is interesting !!! See if your brain is as old as your body ~ or ~ (perish the thought) ~OLDER!! Procedure of Flash Fabrica Game: 1. Touch 'start'* 2. Wait for 3, 2, 1. 3. Memorize the number's position on the screen, then click the circle from the*smallest number to the biggest number. 4. At the end of game, computer will tell you how old your brain is. Good luck !!

http://flashfabrica.com/f_learning/brain/brain.html

I scored 31 and am age 65.

FDInLaw

12-05-2008, 01:01 PM

http://bewareofthedoghouse.com/VideoPage.aspx

Cornblossom

12-05-2008, 09:08 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT1nDUy-eNI

islandgirl36542

12-05-2008, 10:50 PM

Video of Killer Whales in Gulf

http://www.weartv.com/players/news/top_stories/wear_vid_5201.shtml

Jayne

12-05-2008, 11:21 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huplhRTXGOc&feature=related

love to see children with talent..and taking classical masterpieces...and improvising on them.

she's pretty amazing!

Jayne

12-05-2008, 11:41 PM

Here is one of the master flautist (he and Rampal)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsjCby54uSM&feature=related

Now listen to a 7 year old play the same piece with his 8 yr old sister (also a flautist) on the piano..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxxKXaUSJTI&feature=related

pretty amazing, huh?

One of my fav flute solos/pieces..

:)

NatalieB

12-06-2008, 05:20 PM

For anyone who followed Britain's Got Talent with Connie Talbot, take a listen to this. How many people can pull off a Whitney Houston song, let alone a 7-8 year old? Dear God, this girl is amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4AtDCVa5xE&feature=related

Wukong

12-09-2008, 10:01 PM

Maxine's Alternatives to Martha Stewart's tips -

Martha: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Maxine: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

Martha: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Maxine: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Maxine: Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

Martha: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

Maxine: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

Martha: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Maxine: Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Maxine: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.

Martha: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on y our forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Maxine: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

Martha: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Maxine: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Maxine: Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!

Lolly Pop

12-10-2008, 11:16 AM

Just A Dream (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8khHqMntkbQ)

Carrie Underwood

:wub:

islandgirl36542

12-11-2008, 09:32 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Us-TVg40ExM

:thumbup:

coffee1950j

12-11-2008, 11:31 AM

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Wukong

12-11-2008, 10:06 PM

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The
insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I
drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.
Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows
and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause
I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains
very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is
the nail for?' The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)

RiverWalk

12-15-2008, 07:37 AM

Today's Tim Conway's birthday. In his honor, one of my favorite sketches with Carol Burnett, etc.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY

Wukong

12-15-2008, 09:35 PM

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their azzes. The
results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their azz is too fat............

10% of women think their azz is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and
they wouldn't trade him for the world.

theal3

12-16-2008, 01:07 AM

You must watch: an elephant actually painting. Unbelievable.

http://www.4shared.com/file/49290965/291162a0/Inspiration_Peak__Elephant_Painting2.html

bchand

12-17-2008, 12:46 AM

By the Drifters - :sneaky:

http://heavens-gates.com/50s/whitechristmas/

Scully

12-17-2008, 09:19 AM

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2008

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

================================================== =========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2008

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2008

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ...

You didn't sign your name. I' m happy to accommodate this request, but if I
put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2008

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot
supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F#$&*ng Employees

DATE: October 05, 2008

RE: The F*%#ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you fu@*&ng weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!

================================================== ==========================

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2008

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

Cornblossom

12-22-2008, 04:06 PM

It's 5 degrees in my part of Indiana today!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Krl_pXXfKEI

CutiePie4

12-23-2008, 01:39 PM

http://thedogpaddler.com/RandomUploads/Ball/ball.htm

This is a fun game I had emailed to me. I did it but there is a certain way. Good Luck.

http://bellasugar.com/2627519

This is a fun story about a woman who painted her car with nail polish!

VC2

12-24-2008, 03:40 AM

This is a rough time for those who lost loved ones, especially the troubled but loved.

A song that speaks to it and gives me so much hope and the you tube link www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtmAVGPEPSI :

I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain

Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son

Oh, how we cried the day you left us
We gathered round your grave to grieve
I wish I could see the angels faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing

Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son

Jayne

12-26-2008, 03:20 PM

funny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ok5rOO2v2dU

TealMermaid

12-26-2008, 04:47 PM

Relaxing meditation-The Northern Lights! :rose:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETvFnLg0hXU

TaintedHalo

12-26-2008, 07:15 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pC4ZOxpu2rs&feature=related

Lyndawitha"Y

12-26-2008, 09:11 PM

Some one posted this..and tears of laughter ensued!!..Its someone going threw tha "Dance Evolution"....Watch and enjoy!!LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

Happy Dayz everyone!!

TaintedHalo

12-27-2008, 01:40 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8mAaJuefOw&feature=related

starling

12-27-2008, 05:07 PM

A new ad with John Lennon talking about laptops
(he's been gone 28 years this month)
http://www.youtube.com/olpc

Wukong

12-28-2008, 11:29 PM

I received this one and didn't want to wait for the regular board to open. Being well over thirty, about 22 years worth, I found this quite humorous:

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears

With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were.

When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five

miles to school every morning...Uphill...barefoot.

BOTH ways

> >

Yadda, yadda, yadda

> >

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,

There was no way in hell I was going to lay

A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it

And how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of

Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the

youth of today.

> >

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my

Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you

Don't know how good you've got it!

> >

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.

If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn

library and Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write

Somebody a letter, with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and

put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get

there!

> >

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to

Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store

and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio

and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning.
> >

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you

Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy

signal, that's it!

> >

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!

When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could

be your school, Your mom, your boss, your Bookie,

your drug dealer, a collections agent, you

Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your

chances, mister!

> >

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video

Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!

With games Like 'Space Invaders' and ' asteroids'.

Your guy was a little square! You

Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no

multiple levels or Screens, it was just one screen Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting

Harder and harder and

Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

> >

> >

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was

On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You

had to get off Your azz and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and

there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons

On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We

had to wait ALL WEEK For cartoons, you're spoiled.

>

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat

Something up we had to use the stove .... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids

Today have got it too easy.

You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted

Five minutes back in 1980!

> >

Regards,

The over 30 Crowd

Wukong

01-06-2009, 01:01 AM

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild,
Fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to
Trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and
Convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a
Warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and
All conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and
Doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving but open to
Meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
And the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and
A thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts....

islandgirl36542

01-07-2009, 11:43 PM

http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=KWgB1hyOHWc

:ohmy:

Blue Moon

01-08-2009, 01:26 PM

How Long Gone - Brooks & Dunn

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlDOG6vS9NU

Blue Moon

01-08-2009, 01:29 PM

Brooks And Dunn Neon Moon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nopBvlKfYgY&feature=related

Spyder88

01-10-2009, 08:01 PM

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

As he is on his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife may have caught a glimpse"

Lavenia

01-12-2009, 08:22 AM

2 Black Eyes

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

Lavenia

01-12-2009, 08:23 AM

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays".

Lavenia

01-12-2009, 08:23 AM

The Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Lavenia

01-12-2009, 08:29 AM

This guy hears that there's good bear hunting up in Alaska. So he buys a plane ticket and gear and goes up there. The day after he arrives, he goes out and in a clearing was a black bear ,so he drops to one knee, aims and drops the bear dead in its tracks. Then theres a tap on his shoulder and theres this big brown bear. And the bear says, “Hey buddy, you just killed my friend. Now I'm either gonna maul ya or have sex with ya.” What could the guy do, so the bear had sex with him. Then the guy leaves.
Then he remembered the black bear, so he went back for it. But the brown bear was there, so he drops to one to knee and kills it. Then there's a tap on his shoulder and it's a huge kodiak bear.The bear says, “Hey, that was my friend -- now I'm either gonna have to maul ya or have sex with ya.” Again the man does it with the bear and leaves. Again, he remembers he forgot the bear. So he goes back and he sees that kodiak bear, so he drops down to one knee and shoots it and kills it. Then there's another tap on his shoulder so he turns and there's a huge polar bear and the bear says, “You don't come down for the hunting, do ya...?”

Lavenia

01-12-2009, 08:51 AM

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, thrashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a gun to death with the chair!"

Scully

01-14-2009, 11:34 AM

So You Want To Have Children? read this and do the following, and you'll be ready to have kids in no time!

Preparation

Women:

Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
Leave it there.
Every week, add another beanbag.
After 9 months, remove 2 beanbags.

Men:

Go to your pharmacy.
Empty your wallet on the counter.
Tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Go to the supermarket and arrange to have your salary paid directly to their front office.
Go home.
Read the newspaper… for the last time.

Knowledge

Find a couple with children.
Berate them about their lack of discipline, lack of patience, low tolerance, and how their children run wild.
Suggest how they can improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and general behavior.
Enjoy it while it lasts. It's the last time you'll have all the answers.

Nights

Turn the radio on to some loud screaming station.
Walk around the room from 5 to 10 PM carrying a 10 pound bag of wet goo while the station screams.
At 10 PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
Get up at 11 and walk the bag around until 1 AM.
Set the alarm for 3.
Since you can’t get to sleep, get up at 2 and make tea.
Go to bed at 2:30.
Get up at 3 AM when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark until 4.
Set the alarm for 5.
Get up when it goes off.
Make breakfast.
Repeat for four years.
Look cheerful!

Dressing Small Children

Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time allowed: 5 minutes.

Cars

Sell the BMW.
Buy a 5-door wagon.
Put a large chocolate ice cream cone in the glove compartment.Leave it there.
Put a peanut butter sandwich in the CD player.
Mash a box of chocolate cookies into the back seat.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Going For a Walk

Wait.
Go out the front door.
Go back inside.
Go outside.
Come back in.
Go outside.
Walk down the front sidewalk.
Walk back up it.
Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly along the street for 5 minutes.
Stop at every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead bug along the way. Inspect each minutely. Ask at least 6 questions about each.
Retrace your steps.
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
Repeat for 5 years.

Patience

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Grocery Shopping

Go to the supermarket.
Take along the nearest thing to a pre-school child: a fully grown goat. (If you plan to have more than one child, take more than one goat.)
Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) get out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Feeding a 1 year-old

Prepare a bowl of cornflakes.
Hollow out a melon through a small hole in one side.
Suspend the melon from the ceiling.
Swing it back and forth.
Spoon the soggy cornflakes into the swaying melon while making airplane noises.
When at least half of the cornflakes are gone, pour the rest on your clothes and the floor.

TV

Learn the names of every character from every episode of the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies, and every Disney movie.
Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Cleanliness

Smear peanut butter on your sofa.
Smear jam on your curtains.
Hide a fish behind the stereo. Leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in dirt.
Rub them on your walls.
Color your other walls with crayons.

Traveling

Make a recording of someone shouting “Mommy!” over and over. (There may be no more than 4 seconds between each shout.)
Include the occasional crescendo to the approximate decibel level of a fighter jet.
Play this tape in your car continuously the 5 years.

Conversations

Start a conversation with another adult.
Have someone else continually tug on your pants and shirtsleeves while playing the tape prepared above.

Get Dressed

On a day when you have an important meeting, wear your nicest work attire.
Put 1 cup of lemon juice into a cup of cream. Stir.
Pour half of it on your shirt.
Saturate a towel with the other half.
Attempt to clean your shirt by rubbing it with the saturated towel.
Do not change clothes. You're late already!

Go directly to work.

You are now ready to have children!!!

starling

01-15-2009, 10:38 AM

guy takes pet duck in his truck to work...

Minnesota trucker's pet duck hits the road
http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/weird/Trucking_Duck_All__National_.html

Lavenia

01-17-2009, 09:27 PM

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.
One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

islandgirl36542

01-19-2009, 08:11 PM

This is exactly why you should always twirl once in front of the mirror before leaving the house....

http://i41.tinypic.com/ir0yo3.jpg

:ohmy:

Lavenia

01-20-2009, 12:44 AM

The United States Secretary of Defense is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”

Wukong

01-21-2009, 05:35 AM

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, 'Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered,
'I have a suppository in my ear?'

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

Tracker

01-21-2009, 09:50 AM

This is for all of those Daddy's little girls

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know).

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

Wukong

01-21-2009, 08:59 PM

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . Please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

Wukong

01-22-2009, 08:51 PM

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." She replied,
"That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very
nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel,
climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,
entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by
a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and
cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back
and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd
learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so
fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly
be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did
laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps,
completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel,
bar ely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

'No," she said, "I was a hooker in

Kentucky and I worked both sides of the Ohio River.

islandgirl36542

01-22-2009, 11:56 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w

:D

islandgirl36542

01-26-2009, 11:12 PM

THE ALABAMA WIFE:

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Ohio and had told
her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home
to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see
any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean the dishes were done, and there was a huge
dinner on the table.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Alabama.
He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on
the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by
the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little out of his left eye---enough to fix
himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

:biggrin:

islandgirl36542

01-26-2009, 11:44 PM

Difference between Friday and Monday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjPtIj7LKK8

:laugh:

Pokey

01-27-2009, 06:03 PM

This is a video of a homeless man in

Santa Barbara and his pets. They

work State Street every week for

donations. The animals are pretty

well fed and are mellow. They are a

family. The man who owns them

rigged a harness up for his

cat so she wouldn't have to walk

so much (like the dog and himself).

At some juncture the rat came along,

and as no one wanted to eat anyone

else, the rat started riding with the

cat and, often, on the cat! The dog,

will stand all day and let you talk to

him and admire him for a few chin

scratches.

The Mayor of Santa Barbara filmed

this clip and sent it out as a holiday

card.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D85yrIgA4Nk

RiverWalk

01-27-2009, 07:15 PM

I saw (maybe the same guy?) in Telluride, Co. in 2000 . Here's someone's video in Telluride of dog, cat and different rat. I guess he's moved on with his "family".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e27UIIsEEA8

TaintedHalo

01-27-2009, 09:23 PM

Hello Folks,

Here are some humorous FAQ about the coming Stimulus checks we will all be receiving this year.. Sometimes the reality is so sad, that we just have to laugh at it...

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. Only a smidgen.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
"A. Shut up."

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer it will go to India .

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

If you buy a car it will go to Japan .

If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

Regards...

daHawg

01-28-2009, 01:58 PM

I don't know if this one has been posted but man is it amazing!!:thumbsup:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Us-TVg40ExM

Scully

01-31-2009, 11:10 AM

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out".

Lavenia

02-01-2009, 06:33 PM

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter

is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

“Yesterday we were campaigning…… Today you voted.”

islandgirl36542

02-03-2009, 05:13 PM

http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=20psexi&s=5

:w00t:

kenobicat

02-03-2009, 10:39 PM

Could you name all of them without the video? Very cool site.

http://www.flixxy.com/presidents-morphing.htm

Pokey

02-04-2009, 04:33 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rooyt3ptNco

Wukong

02-05-2009, 08:20 PM

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw,
studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown b ag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I
got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'

islandgirl36542

02-06-2009, 08:33 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95qZtwJNjxk

:blink:

Wukong

02-07-2009, 03:19 AM

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood. You'll probably remember most of these from 3rd grade :)

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam! !!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13.. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef, but the other is hard to acomplish!

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19.. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20.. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.

Wukong

02-08-2009, 08:41 PM

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

DesertStars

02-08-2009, 09:27 PM

Ok, so this blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog on a leash and suddenly starts swinging the dog around up in the air in circles... the store clerk, horrified, runs over and yells "Sir..... can I help you?!!!!!" The blind man says "No thanks, I was just looking around".

Wukong

02-10-2009, 01:12 AM

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!, I'm broke!'
and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the
door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not
until you have at least seen my demonstration.'

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my
hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a damned
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What
part of broke do you not understand?'

incidentally

02-17-2009, 09:21 AM

http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/

Wukong

02-18-2009, 09:14 PM

If my body were a car, this is the time I would
be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and
dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ..

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I
slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My
fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ...
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

islandgirl36542

02-22-2009, 08:44 PM

Merry Joe Cain Day Everyone!

http://www.mobilemardigras.com/libary/MardiGrasInMobile.mp3

:beer:

Ionmhainn

02-24-2009, 01:14 AM

Remember When......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Y4NTXT96EM

kenobicat

02-26-2009, 04:44 PM

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see m e about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!

SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER! :thumbsup:

warhorse46

02-28-2009, 03:45 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4Z4mjBjW3E

Scully

03-02-2009, 12:24 PM

The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.

The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.

For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.

Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters.

What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!

Wukong

03-03-2009, 10:04 PM

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

StickyBeak

03-04-2009, 09:39 PM

Blond Jokes

AT THE
DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into
the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she
touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The
redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and
screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her
knee and
screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not
really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said,
"I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor
said. "Your finger is broken."

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde
friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names
were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and
one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of
someone
naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO.......," answered the blond.
"They're watch dogs!"

incidentally

03-05-2009, 09:21 AM

Compliments of my "buddy" Brian Shrader at WRAL NEWS, in Raleigh, NC.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOahdokrg5c

Oh and one more, for the animal/bird lovers out there,

Frostie's Famous Shake Your Tail Feather Dance!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bt9xBuGWgw

Happy Thursday everyone.

Tally

StickyBeak

03-05-2009, 10:33 AM

Last Name

The manager of a large office noticed a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" the manager asked.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

DesertStars

03-05-2009, 02:59 PM

Ok, so this mushroom walks into this bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here". The mushroom looks at the bartender and asks "Why not, I'm a fun-gi"? Groan :rolleyes:

StickyBeak

03-06-2009, 10:41 PM

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Big Jake, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.

Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Themis

03-07-2009, 06:18 PM

The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility:

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

DesertStars

03-08-2009, 02:14 PM

Offensive language. Coldwater, please weigh in here.

islandgirl36542

03-13-2009, 11:25 AM

http://i42.tinypic.com/14yaab.jpg

:smile:

Themis

03-19-2009, 05:31 AM

The Church Bake Sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale; and, after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for Scout camp. When Alice took the cake from the oven the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.

She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.' This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends.
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified -- she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.
Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant; the company was definitely upper crust old South and, to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, The Mayor's wife said, 'What a beautiful cake!'

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say:
"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, 'God is good.'

Themis

03-19-2009, 05:47 AM

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

He writes: I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger. 'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don't think so!

rondouglas

03-19-2009, 08:17 PM

I hope the lawyers don't get offended here, but we all know them, don't we?

Let me begin with one, and if there are any lawyers out there, how do you deal with this type of a situation: Here's the joke:

Question: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

Answer: A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.

rondouglas

03-19-2009, 08:42 PM

Come to think about it, there is a great deal of truth to that joke is there not?

Do lawyers spend a great deal of time psychoanalyzing Judges?

sunbunny

03-19-2009, 09:58 PM

*snipped!*
Answer: A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.

one of my attorneys i work for has a paperweight with that written on it..... he's MARRIED to a judge. :w00t:

J.D.

03-19-2009, 10:30 PM

one of my attorneys i work for has a paperweight with that written on it..... he's MARRIED to a judge. :w00t:

Every married guy is married to a judge.

Celebration

03-19-2009, 11:03 PM

The Postal Service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

:laugh:

Love it!

rondouglas

03-19-2009, 11:21 PM

The Postal Service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

I think this one is abit cruel, I wouldn't have selected it.

I try to put myself in other people's shoes and think of how I would react if I was a lawyer. I would not like that one. But I would laugh at this one !

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

rondouglas

03-19-2009, 11:24 PM

What did your lawyer do to you?

Celebration

03-19-2009, 11:31 PM

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk were walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course. The other three are mythological creatures.

Celebration

03-19-2009, 11:42 PM

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?

Bcause New Jersey got first choice.

Jayne

03-19-2009, 11:42 PM

There are so many..and many I've actually observed..but I don't always get the point across...one I remember...a young newbie lawyer..asking questions..asked the "mother" who took that stand.."How long have you known the defendant (WHO IS HER SON)?" Her response.."all his life". Then this young attorney asked..."When did you first come to know him"..She replied.."From the moment he had me screaming "bloody he**" in the midst of labor."

True..it did happen!

another...

http://www.lawlaughs.com/trials/washedead.html

An attorney, cross-examining the local coroner, queried, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

"No," the coroner replied.

"Well, then, did you listen for a heart beat?"

The coroner answered, "No."

"Did you check for respiration? Breathing?", asked the attorney.

Again the coroner replied, "No."

"Ah," the attorney said, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner rolled his eyes, and shot back "Counselor, at the time I signed the death certificate the man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I can see your point. For all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

-----------------That has been one of my favourites!

There are some great books out there..and believe me..some of their anecdotes are "real"..such great fun to read..even if you are an attorney. Hey..if ya can't take a joke...ya need some therapy. JMO

Jayne

03-19-2009, 11:43 PM

how do you tell the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

the are skid marks before you see the snake

YES YES YES...that has been one of my favourites. And I HATE snakes..but...

jmo

J

Jayne

03-19-2009, 11:45 PM

Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name.

HAHAHA.if you made that up..it is priceless!

J

J.D.

03-19-2009, 11:52 PM

haha. funny thread.

Thelma and Louise, both of whom coincidentally joined this message board in February 2009, seem to think so.

rondouglas

03-19-2009, 11:54 PM

Thelma and Louise, both of whom coincidentally joined this message board in February 2009, seem to think so.

:laugh::laugh:

They are clearly not lawyers, are they?

rondouglas

03-20-2009, 12:02 AM

Here's an accountant joke as a tribute to that one percent who deserve our gratitude:

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. "What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter. "Public Practitioner," is the reply. "Name?" He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. "Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span," says St Peter. "How can that be?" says the accountant, "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight" "No, that's impossible." "Why do you say that?" says the accountant. "Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three."

J.D.

03-20-2009, 12:11 AM

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Elvis votes on reading the paper.

My cat, Elvis, helps me read the paper every morning.

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v112/hotlanta_dude/?action=view&current=Elvishelpingmereadthepaper-1.jpg

Since this picture was taken the wallpaper was removed and the walls and the baseboards were painted.

rondouglas

03-20-2009, 12:26 AM

You better watch your tongue. :angry:

oops, better not. ;-)

I was joking:laugh:

Celebration

03-20-2009, 12:37 AM

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawl under their car and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."

:w00t:

We've had a lot of fantastic lawyer jokes but I think this is my favorite so far !!

O So Happy

03-20-2009, 10:34 AM

Q: What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes

Katt2

03-20-2009, 10:48 AM

IS has several nice posters that are lawyers and "taken seriously" or not, I find this thread to be offensive to them. IMO

O So Happy

03-20-2009, 11:20 AM

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think *you're* going to find a lawyer?"

O So Happy

03-20-2009, 11:31 AM

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

O So Happy

03-20-2009, 11:33 AM

What's the difference between a porcupine and an ambulance chasing
BMW carrying three lawyers?

-- A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

O So Happy

03-20-2009, 11:36 AM

Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?

Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

Now that one made me laugh out loud.:thumbup:

O So Happy

03-20-2009, 11:46 AM

What do you call parachuting lawyers?

-- Skeet.

O So Happy

03-20-2009, 02:32 PM

A busfull of lawyers overturns on a remote country road. When the sheriff's deputy arrives at the scene, he finds that a local farmer has used his tractor to bury all of the bodies.

"Weren't there any survivors?" the deputy asks.

"Well, some of them said they were alive," the farmer answered, "but you know how them lawyers lie..."

O So Happy

03-20-2009, 04:30 PM

What does NASCAR stand for?

Non-Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks

Patriot

04-05-2009, 09:26 PM

This is hysterical. I bet many of us here can relate to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_G5HEU-Ckk

EKate23

04-06-2009, 01:21 AM

I love that song, not the best version though, and I don't have any desire to ever say any of it. I sure heard it though. There's an interview somewhere with with her (now grown) kids.

doctor_J

05-05-2009, 12:04 AM

http://gizmodo.com/5231112/best-video-ive-seen-today-will-make-you-smile

This video will speak for itself. Best thing I ever got from Twitter. "Be sure and watch the whole thing. You won't regret it."

Sara6000

05-05-2009, 12:52 AM

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Made my day.

doctor_J

05-05-2009, 01:02 AM

I can't quit watching it. Reminds me of the day I watched and listened to Susan Boyle all day.

kitty1182

05-13-2009, 04:18 PM

You Make A Difference!

http://www.BlueRibbonMovie.com/

Lavinia

05-20-2009, 05:04 PM

Whack-a- kitty. :laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_udqEp_YR4

Riverwalk!

05-26-2009, 07:08 PM

Adorable commercial - True Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssjmFrQNKBY

bchand

06-05-2009, 02:38 PM

O sole mio !!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqUkUjeF4-c

Just beautiful !

(If anyone can read Italian, please let us know what it says on the right about the group.)

theal3

06-06-2009, 06:25 PM

http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf

These are the things we're supposed to do to remove the cholesterol around our brain & try to slow up Alzheimer..
Bet you can't get 100% on the first try! But I'm rootin' for ya. It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%. Good Luck!!!

incidentally

06-06-2009, 06:45 PM

Lavinia

06-10-2009, 04:27 PM

A funny:

http://www.forwardon.com/view.php?e=Id1218d9a207b33f00

kenobicat

06-11-2009, 10:37 PM

This will give you goose bumps.

http://www.davidburt.co.uk/documents/PeruvianFlautist.wmv

Riverwalk!

06-12-2009, 09:08 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmxT21uFRwM

I remember the simulcast all over the world, 1985. USA for Africa. We tried.

Mr. Moto2

06-22-2009, 12:02 AM

How about an invigorating flash game to put everyone in a good mood?...

http://members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html

Mr. Moto2

06-22-2009, 12:29 AM

You know, maybe you need to install a flash player.
http://www.adobe.com/support/flashplayer/downloads.html

Themis

06-22-2009, 06:17 AM

Two Irish Men in a Bar:

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in upstate New York. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

The first guy responds, “So am I!”

“Mother Mary and sweet Jesus! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first guy says, “Faith and begorrah! Tis a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other guy answers, “Well, now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.”

The first guy gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other guy answers, “Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.

The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!”

About this time, Colleen walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Michael, the bartender, walks over to Colleen, shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”

Colleen asks, “Why do you say that, Michael?”

“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

sunbunny

06-26-2009, 01:07 AM

i made $109! :thumbup:

ETA: i only "made" $4, since the cash register's goal was $105. hammer

islandgirl36542

06-26-2009, 03:36 PM

Now here's a sight you don't see everyday!! Guess he wanted to go for a swim.....This was taken down Ft. Morgan~Gulf Shores Alabama

http://i44.tinypic.com/2lkdykm.jpg

Wukong

06-29-2009, 10:14 PM

I thought the joke thread was gone! Imagine my surprise when I happened to see it here...who knew? I need to look around more often.

THE MADAM OPENED THE BROTHEL DOOR IN NEVADA AND SAW A RATHER DIGNIFIED,
WELL-DRESSED, GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES OR EARLY FIFTIES.

'MAY I HELP YOU SIR?' SHE ASKED

'I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' THE MAN REPLIED.

'SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD
PREFER SOMEONE ELSE', SAID THE MADAM.

'NO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' HE REPLIED.

JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5000 A
VISIT. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND
GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN CALMLY LEFT.

THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE VALERIE. VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE. BUT THERE WERE NO DISCOUNTS. THE PRICE WAS STILL $5000. AGAIN, THE MAN PULLED OUT THE MONEY, GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, HE LEFT.

THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE MAN WAS THERE YET AGAIN. EVERYONE WAS ASTOUNDED
THAT HE HAD COME FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE NIGHT, BUT HE PAID VALERIE AND THEY
WENT UPSTAIRS.

AFTER THEIR SESSION, VALERIE QUESTIONED THE MAN, 'NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN WITH ME THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?' SHE ASKED. THE MAN REPLIED, 'IOWA.'

'REALLY', SHE SAID. 'I HAVE FAMILY IN IOWA ...'

'I KNOW,' THE MAN SAID.. 'YOUR SISTER DIED, AND I AM HER ATTORNEY. SHE ASKED
ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR $15,000 INHERITANCE. '

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN.

1. DEATH

2. TAXES, AND

3... BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER